Tuesday 25 September 2012: Last Words
So I watched an episode of How I Met Your Mother today.
I couldn't tell you what it was called, but its overwhelming theme was 'last words'.
It revolved around the funeral of one of the main character's (Marshall) father's. They all sat around and discussed what his last words were to all of them. Marshall quickly became frustrated after believing that his father's last words had less meaning than that of the others. He made a huge speech about how his dad was his hero and how he'd just cruelly been taken from the world without a chance to say a proper goodbye.
Before he'd even finished that speech, I was in floods of tears.
Since I watched that episode earlier today my mind has been in overdrive for a couple of reasons.
The first one, understandably, is the death of my nana. Just over 3 months ago, she passed away. Although not completely out of the blue (she's not been very well for quite some time), the shock came with how quick she went from going to hospital (I'd received many messages before about her being admitted and then leaving better shortly after so saw this time as no different) to being gravely ill, to passing away. I felt like she'd been taken before any of us had a chance to say our goodbyes.
My nana lives in Ireland. She's not someone I saw a lot or even spoke to a lot. It doesn't mean that I didn't often think about her. I spoke to her on my birthday and Christmas.
This brought me to thinking of what Nana's last words to me would have been.
Actually, I know what they would have been. They would have been 'Love you' as she always said that at the end of every phone call. All our phone calls had a very similar context. She always asked me whose hearts I'd been breaking, who my boyfriend was, how I was doing at school or work. She'd then pass the phone to Grandad and I'd go through all the same thing with him and she always insisted on having the phone back to say bye properly.
I love you
Those would have been her last words to me.
My problem is...when?
The minute she died, the first thing I thought of was 'I never thanked her for the birthday card'. She passed away a week after my 21st. I'd been in Spain and when I came back, I went to work the next day. I just...forgot.
I kick myself every day for not calling. That would have been the last time I'd have spoken to her. Of course I had no way of knowing that.
I still blame myself every day.
Only 2 weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. Again, I became upset, knowing she'd never meet her great grandchild. Sadly, only 2 months later, I miscarried. My only comfort was that the one person I thought was never going to meet my child was the one person who did meet him.
So I still look up in the heavens for the stars. There's always one that stands out far more than any other. I think that's cos my Nana is cradling my little boy, so their lights together shine brighter than anyone else's.
So these are my last words to my nana.
No I'm not breaking any hearts. I have met the love of my life who is looking after me very well and he's heard so much about you. He was with me when he found out you were on your way to heaven and he has been amazing support.
I'm doing ok at work. It's hard being an adult, you know.
Thank you for my birthday card.
I LOVE YOU
The other reason I got upset was the thoughts of losing my own dad. Morbid, maybe, but I couldn't help it.
I don't think my dad realises how much I cherish him.
He's amazing. I know I'm biased, but he's the best dad in the entire world. He's proud of everything I do and so bloody strong too. Him and my mum are just...a powerful unit.
My dad is a gentle giant. Looks scary. Wouldn't hurt a fly. Unless they can be killed by the nauseous gases he generates on an hourly basis from his backside.
A hug from my dad solves everything. He is such a sweetheart. A total softy.
I love him to pieces.