Saturday 2 April 2011: A little emotional tonight ..
I have issues.
So, this afternoon we had a friend over, Emily, a lovely young girl who works at the nursery which my girls attend. She's Storms keyworker. She bought a bag of goodies for us all to share, loads and loads of craft bits. Clara would spend all day drawing and cutting and glueing and colouring if she could. She is an amazing little artist! It got me thinking so I rummaged in my memories box and bought out my school book, my first drawing book. It made me sad.
My drawing is on the left. I was 5. Clara's drawing is on the right. She's only just turned 4.
Yeah, I know, all kids are different. But as I put the book back into my memories box, I wanted to rip it to shreds. To take out those memories. Why wasn't I encouraged more, why was I bullied into learning rather than gently and lovingly encouraged? Why did it always have to end in tears and me being smacked and then sent to bed? Why??
So, lately I've been struggling. I posted a few blips ago about my trangendered father. So, I understand she (as she is now known) was battling with her demons but if that was the case, why inflict her battle upon innocent children? Surely it's tantamount to abuse?? Emotional abuse. That's what I was labelled with. Emotionally neglected and abused. So, I joined a forum for transgendered people, I asked a few questions and anyway, it turns out that it doesn't bother me WHO she is, that's fine, I get that and am comfortable with it. But why did she lie? Why did she say that my real dad hated me, that he ran away because he loved another family? Why, when I came home from school after yet another day of being bullied an taunted, why then did she not just put her arms around me and just tell me what was happening? Why did all the other kids know about her and I didn't??
I found the courage to email her, I spent 5 weeks drafting an email, by the time I felt it was ready, it had gone from a 2000 word essay to merely a few small paragraphs. It outlined exactly what I wanted to say, summarised everything but ultimately, that I loved her and I, one day, want her to have involvement in my children's lives. She's used this email ever since the internet started.
It bounced back.
So now, it's true. My dad didn't love me. He did leave me for another family. I finally accept being rejected. I want to have a big cry and just wake up tomorrow, fresh, and knowing that I never had a dad.
Now, I know what I need to put on the wedding registration details for Father. Unknown.
Right, off to tackle some ironing.
I love my children. With all my being. I love them so very much. I'm going to go kiss them whilst they sleep.