Monday 13 June 2011: Can't wish it away...
472/365: ... though you wish you could.
Maddy Moo is ill again. The Slapped Cheek virus seems to have reared its head again and the rash is back as bad as ever. And she's been throwing up since last night.
Nick's been on parent duty looking after her today and I've been the 'sloping off to work and not doing the night duty' thing. To be honest, I didn't even hear her wake up, but I think Nick had a pretty rotten night of it. I must be missing the maternal gene which wakes you at night! I just don't wake up. Isn't that crap?
As ever, I was up at just gone 5am... and managed to plant out some French beans before 6am. It is kinda early, but it's still nice to feel like I did something for me today. The rest of the day has been busy. A few meetings but mainly trying to piece together bits and bobs to build a picture of stuff I need to sort out. And since that gets my head clunking along happily, that's all good.
The commute however - not good. It really is tiring and it means I end up doing a half job of parenting / supporting during the week which isn't sitting that well with me. I get home and after some dinner, do a spot more work. And that's my evening just about gone.
You end up thinking - this can't be the right balance. This isn't how it could be. Time is so short and my children need me. And I'm living a half life around them.
Y'know what else sparked off this bit of self-indulgent weirdness today? I heard a song on the radio as I drove to work that I remember listening to in my car when I was 21. Sung by a woman who was also 21 at the time. Listening to her sing was like listening to my 21 year old self again. If you'd asked me when I was that age whether I could imagine myself 15 years later listening to it, I doubt I'd have been able to. It seemed impossibly far off. Life was the present and the present alone. Now my head seems tangled between the complexities of now and considerations of a future which continues to rush towards me. When did it get so complicated?!
Am in a funny old headspace at the moment.
PS Responsibility is a pretty tight straitjacket sometimes
PPS Thank you for the thoughtful comments yesterday... even though you were naughty and read the 'ignore it' bit!