Darkness

No mannequins again today. It was not a good enough day to take them out. Not enough light for decent photos. I think they need a break, anyway. They'll be back soon though.

So, a very sinister drawing. This isn't going to be an "oh god, could this girl get any more depressing?" entry. There's hope in it. And a lot of joy, in a strange way... Would you believe. Read on.

For those who haven't read my previous entries, a little over two years ago I was in a car accident that damaged all three nerves in my arm. I couldn't use it for a year, and had to re-learn, basically, that I actually even had an arm. Simple things like moving even one finger took a long time, and a lot of work.
Initially, I was told that I would only get 40% function back, at best, and it would take about two years before I would know. Whatever function I hadn't regained after two years, I wouldn't get back. I exceeded expectations, and within two years was sitting around 70%. With the help of the shoulder surgery I had three months ago, and knowing how well I respond because I don't take physio lightly (I reeeeally push myself), I'm expected to get up to 95% function back within the next six months. And I am excited!

I've always been an arts geek. Photography, drawing, painting, writing, music. All of which, I couldn't do following my accident. One by one they have come back. I've always had issues with the darkness within my own mind, and it only got darker while I was unable to do the things I loved. The things that completed me.
I'm lucky enough to have an artist boyfriend, and some artistic friends around me who have been nurturing and inspiring me, now more than ever. I decided less than two weeks ago to see if I could manage to draw something a little more spectacular than a stick figure wearing a very fancy hat. And I was pleasantly surprised. The boyfriend thought it was worthwhile getting me a few supplies, and with each piece, and I'm showing improvement. I'm not as good as I was before all this, but all things considered, I am very happy to be able to draw well enough for people to like what I'm doing... People who DON'T know the back-story.

What I've been drawing, I've had visual reference for - photos, my mannequins, drawings. But this was purely my mind, my hands, a few pencils, white charcoal, and some oil paint. I wanted to see if I could create something personal. Actually drawing some of ME into the artwork.
I've always favoured a dark, sinister style. Does it show? This is about the darkness many of us have within ourselves, and the un-lovely things we do to ourselves and/or others because of it.
I've had a few years of not being able to release that darkness into my art. And FINALLY doing it, has released me a little. A huge burden has been lifted.
I. Feel. ALIVE.

The darkness is still there. And always will be. But for now, I am content. I'm not afraid to let you see my darkness, because it's a little lighter now.
And maybe, someone will stumble upon this, and find a little hope for escaping their own.

"So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become.
Help me believe it's not the real me.
Somebody help me tame this animal.
Somebody help me through this nightmare,
I can't control myself.
Somebody wake me from this nightmare,
I can't escape this hell."
~ Animal I Have Become - Three Days Grace