First Rule of Hormones

Had the little puppy at the vets this morning for his first lot of jags.

Fair play to the little lad, he sat there being pushed, prodded and checked from head to toe and he never flinched an inch. It was like someone had taken his batteries out.

He got him first injection and again didn't yelp, complain or tried to get away, he just sat there and took it like a man.

I have been getting some flack from people for purchasing a small dog, however I would like to respond to this. Firstly, it isn't my dog, I will not be walking it. Secondly and more importantly, anybody that has ever walked down the high street with a small cute puppy will know that they are magnets for hot women to stop and talk to you. The puppy and I will be best friends until it loses it's "fluffy" stage.

Ruby is off to nursery at lunchtime so I get two hours to myself, except my Cocker Spaniel, (real men have spaniels and guns) decides that she is going to spite me for giving the puppy extra attention over the past few days and rolls in what can only be described as extreme silage.

This isn't just any muck, this is filth that has been matured, cultivated and fermented for a long period and fed with some sort of extra stinky substance along the way.

I have to lift her into the bath and get covered in gunk in the process. She sits nicely under the shower while I use almost a whole bottle of baby wash on her and she looks destinctly smug, wet but definately smug.

Before I know it, I have to go back to the nursery to pick up Ruby, only to find that Ruby has savaged one of her classmates much to the annoyance of the disgruntled teachers.

I wait for Holly to get out of school and hit Ocean Terminal cinema to see Puss In Boots, which was hilarious and hit Pizza Express for a large pepperoni.

However, by some sort of fate outside the window of Pizza Express is a massive one hundred million pound yacht called the Amaryllis, moored next to the Britannia. Here was me thinking that I had finally made it when I bought my £600 rubber ducky.

Could think be the final sign that I have been waiting for ? How can I get on board ?

They test the onboard garage loading bay and I think to myself, that would be ideal for getting the animals on two by two. I could park the giraffes right next to the Ferrari and I could get a few penguins in the back seat of the Bentley.

I would have to think of where to put the Lions, Tigers, Bears and other assorted viscious animals, but at the moment, the forward cabin occupied by Connie seems the most appropriate place as she is hormonal and will fit right in.

I'm not saying that she hates me when she is hormonal, but put it this way, I have noticed a murder of crows circling overhead when I walk down the street for the past few days, waiting for me to finally expire. I feel lucky that vultures aren't native to this country.

I retire for the evening shortly after Noah tries to hump my foot. I am Ok with that though, as it's good to have some another male in the house, even if he has mistaken my sock as a lady dog.

The first rule of hormone club, is that you don't talk about hormone club.