February 5, 2012

I am keeping Izzy and Monkey this week while my parents are in Nicaragua. I am fighting with my family right now, and on and off with Jon a lot, but I guess that is the price of getting sober. I just hope it is worth it, because this sucks. I am trying to get a job, and to put myself out there with people, because since I was such a hermit as an addict, I have high anxiety in public, but I have to face my fears if I want to be off medications completely. I love my boyfriend, and I love my family, and I dont feel like myself. I feel like this is the only chance I have to get my life back. I am not a kid anymore. It is time to grow up. And this time, it is a good thing. I just pray I dont lose the people I love in the meantime.
On the Bright side, it has been wonderful having Izzy. she makes everything easier. She is just such a smart, sweet dog. And more than that, she is my friend and I love her so much.. It makes me sad to see how old she is getting. I wish she lived with me.
Jon told me last week that he loved me, but that he doesn't know why he fell in love with me. It makes me feel so bad to know that. I feel like I am not worth loving, especially with that combigned with my family issues, and my lack of friends right now. I wonder if we will stay together when we get sober. I hope everything works out okay.
Also, any day now they are tearing down my Uncle Alston's house, which breaks my heart. I miss him a lot. And I feel like even though he accomplished so much in his life and in his career, they are considering renaming the hospital, and his house will soon be reduced to rubble. He was 0ne of the greatest men I ever met- A doctor who saved hundreds of people's eyes, and he will be just forgotten. It seems so wrong.
I Miss My PaPaw. I miss having someone to talk to, and I just threw away my chances while he was alive.