Tuesday 10 April 2012: Young Freddy
When Freddy Kreuger was young his mother wouldn't let him play with knives. And you have no idea how difficult it is to torment high school teens when entering their dreams and threatening to stab them with teaspoons. The taunts would eat away at Freddy. "Hey Freddy, on the level, I'm in heapeds of trouble yeah?" or "I prefer coffee Freddy, gotta spoon for that?" or "Freddy, did you know that the size of a teaspoon changed according to the fluctuating prices of tea in the 17th and 18th centuries, but now teaspoon sizes are different simply as a matter of design in order to fit in with the overall look of a cutlery set meaning that if, for example, you're baking you need to get proper measuring spoons in order to measure a correct teaspoon serving?".
He vowed that one day he would get his revenge after attempts to files the edges of the spoons to sharpen them simply made them more useful for eating melon. When his mother died suddenly, ironically after using a tablespoon to retrieve some stuck toast from the toaster, the larger spoon making contact with the electrical elements within the toaster where a teaspoon would have worked perfectly, Freddy was sent to live with his great-uncle Barnaby Krueger, a cutlery salesman in Connecticut.
Barnaby took one look at his little-nephew's teaspoons and tutted. "Such poor craftsmanship. And look at that electroplating starting to peel off," whereupon he availed Freddy, now 16, of a set of steak knives. The following day, after having his manhood reattached in a 7 hour surgical procedure, Freddy learned to use his left hand for most basic tasks, only forgetting once more stabbing himself in the eye trying to remove a stubborn contact lens.
He never had forgotten those High School taunts and set about gaining his revenge with gusto. That is, until 1990. For it is at that time the world became aware of Edward Scissorhands, and suddenly a man with knives on only one hand was old hat. It's a little known fact that Freddy actually killed Edward after bumping into him in a branch of Wimpy in Huddersfield. The incident, known only as the 'Huddersfield Wimpy Death of Edward Scissorhands at the hand of Freddy Krueger' lead to Freddy sinking out of the limelight as he realised that his life had been a constant struggle merely to be accepted, and possibly rather than killing those who had taunted him it might have helped to sit down and talk things through with them. Possibly over a latte and a cheese savoury sandwich.
Sinking further out of public view Freddy passed away in a retirement home in Walthamstow. Unknown. Unloved. But the only resident able to cut up his own food.