Monday 7 May 2012: The vibrance of May...
801/365: ... and the adventure of my little boy. Taken on a morning walk with Felix, trying to catch a bit of sunshine before the rain came. Also managed to plant some (late!) spuds, get my runner bean canes up and the beans planted, plus planted out my courgettes. And then it rained.
Y'know, I never do challenges for a variety of reasons... but I did have Molly in mind when I took this photo today. I didn't know if I wanted to do the challenge at all because her passing was very very close to the first anniversary of my Dad dying and it's hard to give this time of year to someone else - if that makes sense. Anyway, she was in my mind today because a couple of days ago I'd read my year ago blip and her last comment to me then, as now, struck a chord. She said:
'I dunno. You should set up a portrait studio and do childrens portraits. You are fabulously good at it. This is very, very lovely. No commuting, which is soul-destroying.'
She had a way of just saying what needed to be said and not beating around the bush. I still haven't sorted out the commute or the exhaustion... but I do let myself blip as many blips of my children as I fancy because they're my memories and they matter to me. Plus, it also made me wish I had a parental figure to help me and give me the words I need when they're just not there.
Today, the kids drove us a bit crackers. Well, Maddy in particular. She's got into the default position of screeching if she doesn't get her way with Felix... and following it up with a kick. Not on. At all. Anyway, she got sent up to her room and rather than tidying it as she was asked, messed about... for hours. I lost my rag with her in the end. I've felt rotten - I've got tonsillitis again and am running a temperature while my psoriasis also flares. The reserves to deal with her rolling her eyes at me - and today's special addition of clicking her fingers while I was trying to talk with her - are just not there and it all seemed to push me over the edge. It's not really her fault, I guess. It's our job as parents to find the way through to them... but some days, it's just so flipping hard.
Anyway, in the end after she'd complained that I wasn't treating her as if she were nearly 9 and wasn't letting them grow up... we then had a conversation (I'm sure all parents have had) about what it means to grow up. The whole responsibility thing they just don't get. Or just not being selfish. I said to them that if they couldn't answer the question 'what have you done for someone else today?' then there was a problem. After which, miraculously, Felix put the laundry on and Maddy helped make dinner.
Parenting is such a roller-coaster. At times they amaze you. At other times they appall you. And some days, you just have to write off and hope the next one is a bit better.
PS Today is one of those days
PPS With knobs on.