hedy

blown out.

---

monday: judgment.

here's the thing about it all, the exact thing, i think: i've been thinking. there's a lot i love about the holidays.

but what gets me -
what really gets me, through and through -
is that time
s l o w s d o w n.

a veritable crawl, some trick of space and energy,
a cosmic molasses trap.

and when they're over -
(and when you're in school, it takes longer than otherwise, a prolonged reckoning)
it's over.

hard, final, like a glassy chunk of beach glass
right as it slices through the soft skin of the bottom of your foot.

yeah, it's like that.

what it comes down to is simple: when it's slow, thick, immobile - that's when you get that time, all that time.

where you can just sit and be with the people you love. where you can live deeply, no rush of beeping iphone, ipad, macbook, alarm clock, modern (in)conveniences be damned. you don't have to return that call today, tomorrow, three days from now, maybe a week, i don't know.

but we're back to real life, real american life, this american life, rushing around endlessly in our all day workaholic jobs or our all day workaholic graduate student lives or our some-combo-of-the-two if you're me.

you can love what you do and still wish you could do it slower, savor it, move slow. i'm one to talk - overachieving, rushing, years ahead of my age, ashamed of my age, too young, too concerned with getting things done.

i've been changing for a long time, you know, and it gets slower and slower in temperament over time. what am i rushing for, what are we rushing for, what are they rushing for: you only live once.

moments seeped in value, dripping importance, you have to be conscious and take them. not many people do anymore.

---

when i am restless at night alone now (ever since you came along), when i can't sleep, i have waking dreams of running away, you know, that same feeling you have. just leaving: no trace - hiking boots, sleeping bag, one way ticket to some european country and a dog if we can find one.

and that's the kind of stuff i think about at 2a, drinking too expensive french tea from tea leaves in organic papers, my insomnia seemingly connected to things i never thought it would be.