Ghosts of parties past

(Backblipping - I started writing this while waiting for the Tube)

Tonight I went to an Alice in Wonderland themed house party held by a university friend. It's been almost four years since we graduated and some people have already drifted and I don't see them any more. It's been a tough year for me so far and I have felt myself beginning to drift from my friends. We get on well when I see them but we don't really tend to ring each other for a chat. Friendships are mostly kept alive through Facebook statuses and photos which isn't really very personal.

There were only a few people I knew at this party. I sometimes struggle with interacting where people are already grouped up and talking. I was sat by the music and people were drunk and loud so I couldn't hear much. I walked round the room but didn't manage to interact with anybody, they were all rushing around me downing shots and shouting. I stood leaning against the fridge for quite a while as people passed by me and I felt like a ghost, like nobody could see me but I could see them. I was hiding behind this rabbit mask but I felt like it had made my whole body invisible.

I don't drink any more which is inevitably an awkward thing to explain to other people. When I first got ill and had to stop drinking, I felt sulky and bored on nights out with my friends while they were all downing shots and lurid cocktails. I got used to it though and learned to have a good time, partly by taking a camera with me to document the nights and get interesting shots.

Before university, I was not a popular kid at all. I tended not to get invited to parties very often, only one or two a year, while my peers were out every weekend. When I was around 11, other kids started using excluding me from their birthday sleepovers and other parties as a way of excluding me and showing me (and other kids) that I am not worth associating with. Later on I think I was just overlooked because I wasn't "cool" enough. So parties are a bit of a difficult subject.

There have been times when I've been outgoing and I've spoken to people and not felt awkward. I used to feel totally comfortable with the bunch of friends I made at uni and we went to clubs where they played music I liked and we'd jump around like idiots until the place closed. These days though I feel much more withdrawn any time I see my friends. I don't know what's up with me, I feel like I lost the spark in my life somewhere along the way, along with losing the ability to stay up late which means that I'm usually in bed before other people my age even get to their nightclub of choice. I used to go to gigs a lot at uni and lose myself in the crowds and the music. These days when I go to gigs I worry about how to get home and what time I'll be able to make it into bed. Everybody has changed so much and although I see sparks of our old selves, I mostly just see a bunch of office workers discussing taxes, rents and even mortgages.

This is a ramble about lost youth but also about losing myself along the way. Since university, in the past 3 years and 8 months or so, I have had a major breakdown and been taking antidepressants most of that time. I had to start again with myself and focus on what is right for me and what makes my life worthwhile. I've gained new skills and new interests and changed my lifestyle and I suppose it is inevitable that I would lose some things along the way. Sometimes though I feel this sadness and this distance from people. I don't know what are real feelings and what is just the prescription meds messing with my head. I will make an effort to see my friends in non-drinking situations, I tend to relate to them a lot better out and about during the day than at clubs or parties.