Grouse or duck.....

A noise downstairs woke me at three o'clock this morning. H was fast asleep beside me, and the children were at my sister's for the night, so I knew immediately that a mass murderer had broken in.

I nudged H awake. ''Marmalade!'' he shouted inexplicably. I put my hand over his mouth, and whispered that we had intruders.

''Did the dog not bark?'' He asked.

''They've probably killed the dog'' I said, ''and we're next. Call the police for God's sake. Tell them we're being murdered.''

''My mobile's downstairs. Where's yours?''

''I don't know. Mekon borrowed it to play Wordle.''

''Wordle was really hard yesterday,'' said H. ''I mean what kind of word is.....''

''Never mind bloody Wordle. Go and listen at the door. And take a weapon.''

''What weapon? I don't have a weapon. I'm not Bruce Willis you know.  God, did you read about him? Poor guy's got...''

''H! Just go and listen at the door. They'll be stealing all our valuables!''

''We don't have any valuables.''

''What about your mother's sculptures?''

''If they're nicking her sculptures'' he said, 'I'll help them load the van.''

He tottered to the bedroom door and opened it slightly.

''They've got the radio on!'' He whispered. ''What kind of murderers listen to Radio 2?''

''That'll be to cover our screams when we're massacred!''

He tilted his head to one side, listening hard.

''I think they're in the kitchen, raking through the cutlery drawer by the sound of it. What the hell are they looking for?''

''A knife. To carve us up with!''

''I've had enough of this,'' he said. ''I will not have my beloved threatened. I'm going downstairs right now!'' And hoiking up his jammy bottoms, he dashed from the room.

I must say, I was quite thrilled. Until he started shouting ''Hang on Boris, I'm coming......''