The First Day

We got home from Mum’s around 12:30am.  The Undertaker arrived about 11:30 pm last night.  Mum wanted to have the same one as Dad, which used to be Roy Smith in Auchterarder but Roy has retired and it’s now John Smith.  

We didn’t sleep too well.  I woke up realising this is the first day of my life without my Mum in it.  I feel lost.  The feeling of loss is like a physical pain.  I had forgotten this agony as it was 2002 when I lost my Dad, suddenly.  But then I had my mum to look out for.  There is no one now.  

I went to the complex and told a few of mum’s friends what had happened.  Gillian the cleaner from there came in and she was in tears.  Mum was so well liked there she said it won’t ever be the same without her.  

I found a letter my mum had written to Graham and I, for ‘when she was gone’.  Instructions for music for her funeral, generous gifts of money to people.  People who have ‘been good to her’.  Always generous with others was Mum.  This poem was there too, one that the person who wrote it understands completely the feelings of the bereaved.

I felt comforted being at the flat, but it was hard walking in not seeing my mum sitting on her chair.  

I feel like a zombie.  Wracked with grief and lack of sleep.  Wondering if I could have done more for her.  The Pallative care place , Cornhill called me.  Mum was supposed to go there for daycare visits .  The nurse asked me how I was feeling and I told her how I was feeling and she gave me some advice.  

We didn’t have enough time, I just wanted more time to be with my mum but we only had two weeks.

Thank you to lovely, kind people who left me beautiful messages over these days.  It is so much appreciated and some made me cry.