Friday 3 July 2009: Quebec City
In Quebec City again today and this is the view of the ship I've been on now for the last 7 months. I only have 1 more week to go as I will finally sign off next Saturday in Boston. I have managed to back-blip a bit starting here.
I haven't really been around here lately but these last few months and in particular the last few weeks have been incredibly emotional and trying on a personal level. I have noone to blame but myself, I have really asked for everything I get. I ask you, how is possible to hurt someone you love so much, so badly? Why do we do the things we do without ever thinking? At what point do we grow up and realise that the actions we take do not only effect ourselves but the ones we love the most?
I have been incredibly stupid and for the last couple of weeks all I've wanted to do is jump off the back of this ship in the dead of night. I won't of course, but i can assure you the thought has most definitely crossed my mind. How do you ask someone to forgive you, when you don't ever know if you'll ever be able to forgive yourself? How to you let go of someone you love so much? Living with the consequences of my actions is something I am slowly coming to terms with but living with the fact I hurt someone so much, is not something I think i can come to terms with. Time heals all they say, but time never forgets. Letting go and moving on is something that may be for the best, but is not something I want to do. I want to fight and I want to prove i am the man I always proclaimed to be. If only they will let me.
I Love you Jen.