Day 32

It is a month since I started on here! I am pretty pleased with the fact I have kept up. Even if I have often been 24 hours late posting... And I haven't been great at doing thought record work. I will try to do at least one thought exercise per post from now on. Good news is that despite my fears otherwise I am still the same weight I was a month ago.

So, today. I slept till midday! I must have had over twelve hours sleep! Once awake I didn't especially want to hurry to get to Tyndale even thought felt slightly worried it was going to get too late. I felt a bit guilty but watched some iplayer and stayed in bed for quite a while.

Eventually I got up and ready to go. The cycle there was hard and I struggled to tell whether the problem was emotional or physical. Maybe a bit of both. I did manage to take a small detour to get today's photo though.

Once at Tyndale, I was pretty anxious. I think I was bothered by feeling fat. And then worry and guilt about how I was spending my time/how I should spend my time. The work frustrated me a bit and I think I was quite slow. I am not entirely certain why. Maybe because I am actually not fully well yet?!

I went to see Emma on the way back. That was quite nice. I didn't want to be out late again but stayed longer than planned all the same.

I guess it has been bothering me how well I am doing. Lets look at that. Even though I have done it many a time before.

What are the potential problems with getting better?
- having to work and face everyday stresses
- losing support eg Lucy
- not being different so not deserving particular care
- not so deserving of sympathy.

Just writing these, I can see how ridiculous all but the first point are: God loves me unconditionally. Also, it is unlikely I will get to see much more of Lucy whatever. And it's not like I get the sympathy I want even if I am really ill. I don't have to stand out as different or special. I am special to God and I have good friends. What more do I need?

As far as getting a job is concerned, I am slowly building up what I am doing in the week and surely that is not only sensible but also makes it all a lot less stressful getting into a job. If things begin to feel too much, I can take things easier again. So no problem thee I don't think.

But what about being on benefits? Argh. Try to trust what the GP says?

I can't face thinking about what the mood scores should be today. I'm scared of getting them wrong and I am scared they might prove I'm ok...