Day 47

I was meant to be at Christine's wedding reception from 12-5pm. This, however, filled me with fear and dread. To be honest, soon after I woke up I should have been getting up and getting ready but that just didn't happen. I watched some iplayer to distract me. I felt a bit bad but I just couldn't face going. I didn't take too long to decide that I would not go to all of it and just turn up near the end.

I had some really desperate moments, not knowing how I was going to go but also knowing I couldn't face keeping on going and not going out till tomorrow afternoon was unbearable. Things were complicated further by the fact some of the people at the reception (who I had never met) were meant to be staying at mine tonight. I wasn't sure how that was going to work out. I had kind of decided not to prepare for that and take it as it comes but it was stressing me a bit.

I skyped Alice and that made me feel a bit better although I just felt like I was really boring to her and found it pretty hard to make conversation. I always feel this pressure to not let there be any awkward silences. In past CBT courses I have looked at this. What does it mean if there is an awkward silence? We are still friends. And why do I feel full responsibility? Surely it is just as much her as me?! I don't think I mind so much when chatting in person but I feel this pressure with Skype.

Anyway, another issue was that I was so hungry but felt like I should go to the reception to eat. I'm sure this wasn't helping my desperation. I am struggling to remember exactly how things went but I know there were some totally dire moments. I need to stop feeling that I need to be perfect in my recounting of things!

When it got to 3.30 I definitely needed to go as that would only give me an hour of the party. I was at least recognising that that would keep me busy and help me feel better.

Now, yesterday I wrote that I don't have to deal with extreme weather in my life. I think it would be fair to say I wrote that too soon. My walk to the reception can very much be described as another battle if the day. A hail and thunder storm began. The hail was like knives in my face and was pushing me backwards very strongly. I was literally soaked to the skin and pretty terrified I was going to be struck by lightening. I prayed God would protect me but I was still so scared. I wish I could feel the security in my faith that I have done in the past. Actually reading the bible will most probably help. Must start doing that again.

I did have the positive realisation that instead of my lateness being seen as me being a bad friend, the fact that I had fought to come when I so badly didn't want to was a sign of dedication of love for Christine. I also started thinking about how I always feel like a fraud when people tell me I have done well or they are proud of me. I realised that actually that is people acknowledging how very hard my life can be and that I keep going. I am not undeserving of praise! I have had some exceedingly hard times.

Of course looking at things like this is a sign I am getting better and obviously this is another scary thing to me! Argh!

I have to say once at the reception, I had some quite fun conversations with people I didn't really know at all. That was nice. Quite soon people began to leave. I felt a bit unloved by Christine but I need to remember she just had a lot of people to talk to and was also rather tired.

I had to wait for the people coming back to stay at mine. I didn't especially mind waiting but I just didn't want to be washing up like everyone else was. I just sat there feeling a bit bad. I kind of just accepted that I wasn't doing anything but it is obviously a bit awkward to just sit there while everyone tidies up. The thing is that there are many people who had left do they weren't helping either but it's a bit harder when you are still in the building. I didn't actually feel too bad; I kind of felt I couldn't cope with doing stuff. I don't really know what to make of that. After a long time, I did help put some chairs and tables away.

I have been a bit bothered by feeling fat and ugly recently. Still. I could be more worried by it though. Not that that means it isn't significant that I am upset by it.

Eventually the girls came back to stay at mine. I found that all slightly stressful but it could have been a whole lot worse. My biggest worry became the fact that one of them kept stroking me or touching me more than I felt appropriate. Especially for someone I had only just met... I couldn't quite cope with that but I didn't want to be rude to her.

I was quite glad to be able to go to bed and be by myself. And eat lots of left over popcorn from the party... :)