Hurt

"I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real"
~Trent Reznor, Nine Inch Nails

A beautiful cover by Johny Cash

Yesterday was a dark day. Sometimes I have to get so low to realise that I want to carry on. I walk on a knifes edge at times. I used to self harm, I wasn't about attention seeking as many misbelieve it was simple about seeing if I could still feel. What made me stop all those years ago I can not completely say, I don't really know. Partly because I knew it upset my mother, partly because I knew I could go on.

Every so often I find myself on that knifes edge. Wanting to know if I can still feel and other dark thoughts. If asked if I've ever wanted to commit suicide the answer is honestly no, ask me if I've ever wondered then yes my brain has taken me to those dark places but it's not the same and it's hard to explain. Ask me what keeps me from getting a knife and seeing if I can still feel, the answer is simple I don't want any more scars and I don't want to damage my tattoos. It's odd some people view tattoos so negatively and yet they can be such a positive thing.

So still here and still wondering if I can feel. I suffer chronic pain, you would would have thought that was validation enough that I can, but sometimes I'm just numb to it all.

But a little food has been consumed, a smile has been had (I sneezed on Mr Mouse) and something productive has been achieved.

Today is better and we shall see what tomorrow brings.