Day 89

Morning: d-7, a-5

Feeling pretty low, desperate at times. Sort of thought I should get up but was scared. Anyway I didn't want the guilt and anxiety like yesterday. I knew I would be getting up to see Helen at 12 though.

Afternoon: d-8, a-3

Helen arrived and we set out upon the nearly impossible mission of fitting my big bike into her little car to take to be fixed. A lot of dirty hands later, we managed. I think I dealt reasonably well considering and it mostly took my mind off feeling terrible. I say mostly as there were a few pangs of guilt that I was perhaps feeling ok.

We went food shopping after dropping off the bike and I became somewhat hungry which made my mood worse.

However, as we ate, I became so low and desperate, it was horrible. I wanted to sleep. I dreaded the fact that not only did we have to go out again to get the bike but this evening we are going to a church group social gathering. I wanted to go to bed and hide.

I decided it would probably be a good thing getting out to get the bike. Might take my mind off things again and I just ignored the social.

Sure enough, it did pick me up a fair amount and I had a nice little cycle through the sunny (but very bumpy) fields.

I had quite an amusing conversation with the bike man where he told me it was no wonder I didn't smile much, my bike had been that bad. I feel a little sad that someone has seen me for all of a few minutes thinks i am not very smily. Maybe people think I look really unfriendly when they see me. That's not great. Anyway, he then asked me whether I was at school, college or working. I said I worked, to which he asked how old I was. When I said 22, his face fell. Apparently he thought I was 15 or 16. I have been told I look 18 or 19 but 15?? I'm not impressed. It was kind of ironic though as upon dropping the bike off we had overheard he was 53 and in the car afterwards I had said to Helen that I had been surprised he was only 53 whereas the man he had been talking to had said he looked younger than 53! Basically who can guess anyone's age, it would seem!

Back at Helen's we did some crocheting. That tested my patience but once I had got into it wasn't too bad. Good even in some ways. I'm looking forward to the day I can blip my finished penguin!!

And now it is time to go to this social. Not feeling too bothered by it at the moment. That in itself slightly bothers me though...