Day 102

Well the day didn't start especially well - I was fairly low - but before too long I had to get up to go and meet Pei in town. Somewhat unsurprisingly I was too slow getting up and then somehow managed to miss two buses by going between two different bus stops at exactly the wrong times. I would have been very late except then I saw a message that Pei had sent moving the meet up time to half an hour later. Phew.

So in fact I was early! I used the time to buy some things I needed, before wandering over to Aunties tea shop. We had a delicious lunch there. I think we were both slightly struggling to have the energy to keep a good conversation up but it's ok. I began to feel really quite low after about an hour but made the mistake of trying to cover it up. I am sure it would have been much easier had I simply said 'sorry I'm feeling quite low'. Even though we haven't seen each other since July, we are good friends. It would have been fine. But never mind. We are having lunch again tomorrow. And we have planned for me to go to visit her in Geneva in a few months!

I went off to Tyndale and got caught in the hail on my way. It was a lovely walk all the same. Cambridge is so beautiful. I feel like my camera and photography skills don't do it justice. The rich architecture, calm river and spring flowers all appeal to me. I love the quaintness and I think I am falling back in love with the place I originally fell for when I came to look around at an open day however many years ago. Between then and now, I think the pressure and arrogance have got in the way of me appreciating the beauty so much. Lots of students have gone home for Easter so I guess that makes it feel more peaceful.

Despite all this I was not in a very happy mood when I got to Tyndale and massively worked myself up while there. I was labelling books again so not the most thrilling of jobs. I got pretty stressed about how I was coping. I would say I was definitely struggling emotionally (getting more and more overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety, fear, guilt and doom) but mostly still managing to get on with the task. I did spend a little while sitting there doing nothing just staring ahead. But I pushed on and managed to do just over an hour and a half. Not a pleasant experience though. I sort of came to the realisation that I didn't really need to think about whether I think I can manage a job: I have and will continue to pray that God's will will be done in this ATOS meeting. So it's up to God. And I will deal with whatever the outcome when we get there.

I left Tyndale and was in such a low mood. I wanted to go home but also really didn't want to. I didn't think I could cope with being by myself for the evening. Everything felt rubbish. I arranged to see Alice and, on my way over, I bumped into Charlotte. That cheered me up a bit.

Alice and I cooked up a feast! I feel I was pretty difficult to make conversation with as I was still a bit subdued. We played some fun games though before I left. I'm pretty tired now but OK.