Major F**k Up

Such a horrible end to the day.

It started well. The sun came out and I had a lazy start to the morning. I did the minimum of chores that I set myself, and then went to Mum's to hang out.

I picked up Little B, who was in his playpen resting his leg (under protest), when we heard my other sister come home. He flailed and kicked and ended up jumping out of my arms, as I realised I had only his front shoulder to hold on to! I squeaked, and everybody gasped as he fell and landed on his side on the wood floor. And then he jumped straight up on to the sofa, tail wagging! He was absolutely fine, but I felt so awful! The last thing I would want to do would be to hurt him. But alas, hurting people seems to have been my specialty today....

I was going out to guy friend's 34th(!) birthday party tonight, which is on a 1930's Dutch Barge, called Tamesis Dock. My sister always moans about the way I do my eye makeup, so she was delighted when I asked her to do them properly for me! Being a redhead, without any makeup on, my eyes disappear, and I am known for having big, dark eyes. I took forever to do them, and I forgot how rubbish I am at sitting still- I never go to the cinema for this reason.

Anyway, eyes done, I went home to get ready to go. I thought I looked lovely, although I had been worrying all week what to wear. It started at 7pm, but I missed the first train by a minute, so didn't even get on a train until then. I got a taxi at Waterloo, and it wasn't very far, but didn't want the hassle of the tube.

I was really nervous when I got there, as it's always "find your friends/where do I go, etc". I figured it out, and spotted guy friend below deck, surrounded by people with a helium balloon tied to his belt saying "M, forever 21" :-)

I hung around trying to get to the bar, but it was too busy Just then my friend arrived, and we went downstairs to say hello, and come back to the bar later. My friend bought him some gag gifts, ie; a water squirter thing, multi-coloured glasses like Elton John, a panda puzzle thing you're supposed to try and do when you're drunk, etc! I didn't get a gift, I wasn't sure if I should. I made a mental note to do a nice card, and drop it round next week, closer to his actual birthday.

It was weird getting used to the swaying of the boat, even though it was going nowhere, but maybe it was because I was in 3 inch heels :-) The evening was going well, we had a catch up, got our drinks, and started chatting with his friends. It was lovely to meet lots of people I felt I knew because I keep seeing them pop up in pictures on facebook!

About halfway through the evening, completely benignly, I heard something about my friend that I didn't know. I felt horrible, and extremely upset, and it was really hard to keep my emotions in check and not fall apart. The friend of his felt awful and that he had put his foot in it, but it wasn't his fault. I managed not to cry, but I wondered whether I should try and stick out the evening or cut my losses and go home. I asked my other friend if she knew what I'd heard, and she said yes, and that she thought I knew. I did not. This confirmed what the other friend said, and that just made it worse. I felt so hurt.

I managed to calm myself down, and tried to chat to lots of people, but I just wasn't myself. It was awful, because once someone sets the idea in your head, the more you look, the more things seem to confirm what you think you know. My friend kept asking me/encouraging me to talk to him, but I knew in my heart of hearts that I couldn't, not at his party, it would be the worst thing to do.

But as the evening wore on, and everything I saw seemed to confirm what I'd been told, I felt like I had to. I tried to rationalise that I could just pretend everything was ok, and then try and meet up with him next week after this to sort it out. And boy do I wish I'd taken that path now. I've realised lately that I let everybody in my life walk all over me. Perhaps I always have done, as I hate confrontation. Every time a friend, family, or somebody at work upsets me, I let it go, so as not to cause a scene. And quite honestly, I'm just not brave enough to confront them. So silly, misguided me decided to pick her battle for tonight, and I sure took the wrong thing to make a stand on.

By midnight I decided to go. I asked him to walk me out, and said goodbye to my friends. He kissed me goodbye, and wished me a safe journey home. And then I opened my big mouth. I very gently, in a calm and quiet voice, told him that he should have told me about something, and I probably wouldn't have come. He didn't have a clue, so I had to explain. And as I explained what several people had told me, he answered every question with a legitimate answer. I think I got it really wrong, and I apologised profusely. But he was really angry, and said I had ruined his night, which I suppose really I did :-(

I felt awful, and told him if I thought I was wrong, I NEVER would have said anything tonight. He was understandably pissed off, and we left it at that. I had to go, and he said he had to go and put on a happy act for his friends.

I just feel so awful, but there's nothing I can do to undo it. I didn't contact him over the rest of the weekend, but I wrote him a letter of apology and put it in his mailbox when I picked up my car the next evening. I can't relax until I've resolved this.

I really value our more-than-friendship, and I am utterly terrified of losing that. I've felt worse and really sick today, like I could actually throw up.

I don't know whether he's read my letter. I hope he will accept my apology.

Is it possible to mend a friendship? I really hope so :-(