Standardised greeting systems

Moving to Madrid in order to teach English, learn Spanish and generally pretending to be all cultural and hoity-toity is actually a massive ruse. I am here to seek asylum from the oppressive cultural structures (or lack thereof) in the UK.

It was sometime in my twenties- I'm still in my twenties, this is an ongoing ordeal- and my friend's parents were coming to visit the town. I had never met these people before, all I knew is that I was to meet them at the pub.

I'm rarely nervous when it comes to the act of meeting strangers. It's more the physical act of the act that curdles my codgers. In the UK, there are no official guidelines as to what to do when you meet someone for the first time.

So, as I was walking to the pub, I was all but consumed by this cultural void. Do I hug these people? Do I go for the polite kiss on the cheek? If so, how many? Do I shake hands with them? Or should I just sit down and mumble "gemme a pint, eh".

I met them outside, sooner than I'd hoped, and I hadn't had time to prepare. You've got this, I thought, time to take the initiative. Unfortunately I was a little hasty in trying to get the greeting over and done with. My friend's mum had just opened her mouth to say "nice to mee.." when I grabbed her by the shoulders and kissed her on the eyeball.

I didn't intend to kiss her on the eyeball, I wasn't worried about her moisture levels, I had tried to lead the way with a peck on the cheek. She, on the other hand, startled by my sudden advances, had offered her hand and backed away. Confused by her body language I tried to change it into a sort of hug. I just squeezed her shoulders, which is weird.

How do you sit down to a pint and nibbles with a stranger you've just kissed on the pupillary sphincter? How do you start a conversation with someone who probably thinks you're a socially inept monster?

I was only trying to be nice.

Now when I meet new people I stand a few yards away from them, slightly flick my hand upwards and say "awite?". To me that seems like something somebody a bit odd might do. The kind of person you might come across shouting "BE GONE, FOUL BEAST" in a public toilet.

In Spain, and much of Europe, I take shelter in the time-hardened system of handshakes and kisses. Nice and simple.

I wonder if there are any cultures who do kiss each other on the eyeball? Maybe I should seek asylum there...