Thursday 13 May 2010: Three
76/365: Another day. Another strange, slow, sad day.
I'm sorry for the self indulgent nature of recording this, but it's kind of my photo journal and I want to use it to record how I've felt each day. Anyway, today has been hard. This morning moved like treacle. I seem to feel numb with moments of intense grief which overcome me... then drift away again. We had to go to register my Dad's death this morning and it was another surreal moment. Like watching someone else. Being somewhere else. But it was happening to us. For us to be talking about my Dad wholly in the past tense and making official what's happened made my head swim. Even things like watching his death certificate being printed out with an ordinary office printer was a strange experience. It brought home the contrast between mundane official procedure with an event which, for us, was shattering. The world carries on as before, but nothing's the same for us.
We now know from the coroner that he died from ischemic heart disease (he had cancer 7 years ago and we think the chemo weakened his heart), so though it was terribly sudden it's as if the sentence has a full stop now rather than being left hanging.
Tomorrow, we view his body at the Chapel of Rest. My heart lurches to think of it and I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I know I need to go. Feel very, very weary.