Monday 24 May 2010: Beyond reach
87/365: First day back at work today. A real struggle. Home from work now and absolutely shattered. Trying to hold concentration for anything more than a few minutes has been tough and I feel indecisive about everything - just not myself at all.
No idea why but the slightest thing seemed to make the tears want to come. Someone being sympathetic about my loss. Sitting on the bus on my way home. Trying to finish off my work this evening. Even sitting at the dinner table with my little family. Everything and nothing seems to trigger the grief.
"Why is mummy so sad?", asks my 4 year old
"Because it's hard when you lose someone you love a lot", says my 6 year old, "and Mummy misses Grandad lots"
"Mummies don't die", announces my 4 year old with absolute certainty, "They don't".
When I was 4, I would have thought the same. My Dad would always be there. Always. Now the unimaginable has happened.
Wish I could go somewhere quiet and just 'be' for a while. Trying to carry on as if nothing is wrong is so terribly tiring.