Wednesday 19 September 2007: Shit brickhouse
Monday
"Good evening Mr. Tree, this is Virgin Media. I'm just calling to let you know that if you add our digital TV service to your package, it will save you £5 a month."
"Uh. I don't really watch much TV. Can't you just save us all the bother and charge me £5 a month less anyway?"
"LOL! I know, it's sounds really stupid, but that's the way it works - if you take three or more of our services you save a lot of money. And there's no installation charge if you sign up before the end of September."
"OK. Leave it with me - I'll think about it and call you back."
Wednesday
In telephone queue for 20 minutes.
"Hi, I received a call from your colleague on Monday, who said if I signed up for your digital TV service, I'd save £5 a month. I'd like to go ahead with that please."
"I'm sorry sir, you need customer services - they're on a different number. Have you got a pen?"
In queue for another 20 minutes.
"Hi, I received a call from your colleague on Monday, who said if I signed up for your digital TV service, I'd save £5 a month. I'd like to go ahead with that please."
"I'm sorry sir, you need our sales team - they're on a different number. Have you got a pen?"
(No queue - there never is for sales, oddly.)
"Hi, I received a call from your colleague on Monday, who said if I signed up for your digital TV service, I'd save £5 a month. I'd like to go ahead with that please."
"No problem sir. I'm going to work out a fantastic deal for you - see if I can make it even better than that."
SFX: Keyboard "tippety-tap-tap-tip-tip-tap."
"Riighhht... have you heard of our XL package, sir?"
"No."
"OK, you're going to love this. I can give you 150 TV channels, including Setanta Sports which means you can watch live premiership matches in your own home."
"OK..."
"And it will only add £1 a month on to your bill."
"LOL! Hang on, I don't think you understood me. I received a call from your colleague on Monday, who said if I signed up for your digital TV service, I'd save £5 a month. I'd like to go ahead with that please."
"OK, that'll be £25 for installation please."
"Your colleague said there was no installation fee if I signed up before the end of September."
"Sorry sir, everyone has to pay an installation fee.
"OK, just forget it."
"Hang on sir."
SFX: muffled discussion with supervisor.
"OK, we don't know anything about that deal but here's what I'll do for your sir. I'll drop your monthly bill by £9 and reduce the installation fee to £15."
"OK, I'll go for that."
"Good - your digital box will arrive by courier on Friday. In the package you'll also find a splitter. Just unscrew the cable that goes into your modem, screw in the splitter, screw in the new cable, then screw that into the TV box."
"Hang on. I just paid you £15 for installation. What was that for?"
"It's very easy sir - you get 26ft of cable."
"Can I shorten the cable."
"No, but you could hide it. LOL... "
"Look, just forget it."
"Would you like me to get an engineer to come out sir?"
It's purely coincidental that I photographed this cable TV manhole cover on the way home from work. I was going to make another reference to my mixed metaphors, but somehow this story seemed more fitting.
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