Blue grey

Edit: This image gives me calm so I've returned to see it again. That's the effect Reuben has on me.

I have really struggled this last week, by myself, the full scale of toddlerboydom wrestling with me. It's good to be back at school for the help with Reuben, leaving me just with Callum, but a challenge for me to get up after 5 or 6 hours sleep each night. I'm a solid 8 hours girl and it's taking its toll. Being at home and dealing with the daily catastrophes we seem to be falling into or driving an hour to school leaves me with a dilemma: they're both difficult.

But the morning up in the parent's room with Callum at school was pleasant, watching Reuben on the monitors, and we left for my appointment, then a sit in a stunning and expensive cafe with eau de nil as accent colour. I reflected how this is something I never do: sitting with the Brentwood mums about me sipping tea and eating a slice of carrot cake, the little mouse Callum had grabbed from school perched alongside a big crumb and me thinking what a fun shot it would have made. I never have these mornings, I've never enjoyed these luxuries since having the boys. I have monumentally missed out on the joys of mums groups and toddler play groups and classes for fun, making friendships based on motherhood. It's been a lonely road and one that is shared by so many mothers who have spent their baby's early days, weeks and months, by themselves, by a hospital crib, yearning to take their baby home.

Yet for now, I shall peek into the LA Times whilst folk alongside talk of pilots and castings and pretend, with Callum happily climbing up the back of the sofa and grinning ear to ear at me, just for a moment, that this is my life.

Edit: On re-reading this, I failed to mention something huge, that is, the joy of friendships I've made online. I was just in a mindset of not meeting friends daily to socialise, but I've chosen a slightly different route which has been incredible for me, that is, meeting you all here, on ivillage, in blogland, FB and in the wonderful world of CHARGE. I feel very ungrateful for having misrepresented the support I've been given there.