Shadows and fragility

I arrived at REE HQ this morning at 8 am. I was dispatched for a day of babysitting. One of the ladies who is integral in the whole thing has two young children and couldn't be mum and fixer all at the same time.

I was sent to help out.

Part of me felt a bit of a fraud. There I was, in a warm house with two beautiful children while everyone else was running around in the cold and rain.

I answered phones, lit the fire, made tea, entertained the kids and cooked lunch and dinner. E and I watched Hi5 and went for a brief walk in the rain.

At lunchtime, I headed out to the Chevier Centre and swept and mopped floors for a few hours. Then back to E and piggy back rides.

At 6, I headed out to the Racecourse, where I helped move tons of baked beans and toilet rolls.

Finally home at 9 pm.

It's hard. Everyone wants to be involved in helping. Do their best. Work their hardest. To numb the pain. To feel less guilty for surviving. For many personal reasons, I guess. The thing is, we all need to balance that hard work with looking after ourselves. If we burn ourselves out, we'll be no good to anyone.

Last night, I hardly slept, and when I did, I would wake up to find my fists clenched and my fingers sore and aching. This morning, I got out of bed tired and not at all rested. I then put in a thirteen hour day.

Tomorrow, I have promised Cousteau a decent walk. I'm also going to go to Confession and to Mass. And I'm going to get an early night.

Guilt and empathy are all well and good, but making myself ill is not going to bring anyone back or lessen anyone's pain.

The ground we walk upon is no longer what we thought it was and we're all affected in different ways. We all need to deal with it in our own ways.

School is closed for another week. I guess we'll see what it brings.

In the meantime, we'll just keep doing what we can.

If you feel compelled, please search on Google for Red Cross and make a donation to the Christchurch Earthquake Fund.

Edit: Thanks to MLY for pointing out that there are some fraudulent 'fundraising' sites out there. Red Cross and Civil Defence seem like pretty safe bets to me.

Night all.