Wee Hard Man

Gecko: Here Mister! You that guy fae blip?
Me: Yup. How did you know?
Gecko: That wee bastart dragonfly telt me. Says he wis tryin' tae shag his bird and you were takin' photaes, ya dirty bastart. Whit ye daein the noo?
Me: Trying to find something to take a picture of.
Gecko: For that blip hing eh?
Me: Well done.
Gecko: Dinnae get smart wi me ya wee cock. Ah'll batter ye.
Me: My Nokia memory card, with three years worth of photos and videos including today's blip, has just wiped itself...
Gecko: Bastart.
Me: ...so I thought I'd pop out to the back garden and see what I could find.
Gecko: You talk posh fur a Scot. Whit are ye? A poof?
Me: I'm from Edinburgh. You must be from Glasgow right?
Gecko: How the f**k ye ken that, c**t?
Me: Just a guess. Anyway, nice chatting.
Gecko: Aww, wait wait wait. Sorry mate, fur swearing likes. My weans look at blip aw the time and ah've no seen them in ages so gonnae take ma picture likes, so they ken ah'm still no deid?
Me: Go on then, hold still.
Gecko: Nice one pal. You got any bucky by the way? It's f**kin' dry as f**k in this country. You got any fags an aw by the way? Ah'll pay fur it likes, ah've got thirty pence and ah'll....
Me: See you later, bawbag.
Gecko: Whit the f**k ye just say, eh?! Ya wee c**t?! Eh?! Get back here, eh?! Ah'll f**kin'...

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