Friday 18 March 2011: Reflection ...
Here is my story ... I wrote it for a new forum I've just joined. I wanted to share it here as I feel that blip is a nice journal to put thoughts into.
I am the daughter of a transgendered parent.
It's taken a lot of courage to find somewhere to talk about this, I've been to counsellors over the years but mostly, they don't understand. I've finally found a community which may help me to understand and come to terms with decisions which were made during my childhood, and allow me to move on better ...
My parents met when my Mum was 18 and my Dad was 20. My Mum was already married and divorced. My Dad very quickly told my Mum that he'd been cross dressing since he was 8, knowing that he was in the wrong body. My Mum accepted this and allowed my Dad to cross dress within our home. in 1981, 3 years later, I was born. My Dad was very controlling, he told my Mum that she was a useless Mother and basically took over my care completely. 3 years later, my sister was born and my Mum wanted to raise her her way. So, within our home, we were both raised by each parents individual values. We moved to London when I was 5, and I was told that our Dad had stayed back where we came from as he didn't love us anymore. Instead we had our Aunt stay with us, so we were raised in a house where my Aunt raised me the exact same way that my Dad did, Mum and Aunt shared a room ... I remember being bullied a LOT at school, I was always told that I had 2 Mums, or that my Mum was a lesbian. A few kids had got the idea that my Aunt was actually a man, I hadn't been told this so used to just ignore those nasty comments. I lashed out a few times at home but was silenced and told that those were silly ideas, how could a woman be a man etc. My brother was born when I was 10, he was the result of an affair that my Mum had, things by now were just 'odd', I was still bullied, my Mum used to have quite a few men around the house, but I guess, as odd as it was, it was normal to us children. When I was 11, our Aunt had to go into hospital, she'd been having some appointments but was now having an operation. Of course, I worried - not having any explanation of what the operation was for. Again, I came home from school after a day of taunts and my Mum screamed at me and said something which will always stay with me as one of the biggest lies she ever told me. After the operation, lots of things changed. My Mum became worse - almost desperate to have other men around and when I was 13 she met my Step Dad. She moved out a year later. My Aunt worked with computers and immersed herself in those, and alcohol .. I'd decided to stay with her as I felt it was unfair that she was left by herself, little did I know the responsibility I'd taken on to look after someone who was about to turn into a major depressive alcoholic, I still remember walking up the chilled aisle in a supermarket, spending an hour looking at the cheese counter. Anyway, late one evening me and my Aunt went for a walk and she told me how all those years that I'd been bullied, all the times that Mum had screamed at us children, everything that had been said .. it was true. My Aunt, she was actually my Dad. So there was I, 16 years old, all those bullies were right and I had no idea. And all I said was 'I'm really glad that you managed to accomplish what you wanted in life, so many people don't'. That was really the end of the conversation.
After this, she wasn't such an emotional bully. I could argue my case back to her. I was always an A grade student at school but I had never been good enough, any result I had could have been better. My Aunt moved to another country with my sister (who incidentally leaves a trail of destruction wherever she goes) I began my own life at the tender age of 16, running a flat, working full time. My Aunt moved back when I was around 19, we met up a few times - by then, my sister had a baby and was a single Mum. My Aunt used to help her out financially.
I had always wanted to be a Mum, I guess in a lot of ways, to not bring up my children with all this confusion around their lives. To love them with all my being, the way I wanted to be loved when I was smaller. I told my Aunt that I'd met someone and a year later that we were trying for a baby. When I finally fell pregnant another year later, she told me that I'd ruined my life, I haven't heard from her since then. My daughter is 4 now and she has a 1 year old baby sister. They are the greatest children in the world, fantastic. I am so so proud of them. I know that at some point I will need to explain all of this to them - my Aunt is part of their family, and it'll no doubt come out from some intefering busybody. I can handle that when the time comes as I'm so much more open with them than my parents were with me.
I'm a little sad, if I'd have known, then I wouldn't have been jealous when all the others kids had their Mums and Dads at parents evenings. I would have been able to handle those bullies. I don't hate what my parents have done, it was a decision they made for their lives which had an impact upon me, but, I've turned my life into something positive now.
That's it, in a nutshell. I wonder if there are other children of trangendered parents here, perhaps we can share experiences, chat a little. Would be nice to make friends with someone who has the same .. issues? in life as I do. I mean, I'm pretty ok with most things, I am incredibly open minded, very tolerant to all others - religion, sexuality .. gender!