Sunday 15 May 2011: Darlin You Got to Let Me Know
Should I stay or Should I Go?
I really struggled with my decision to go ahead with my trip this week. It all came together very last minute and it was very much the first and only window of opportunity I would have before September. I try not to let too much time pass without seeing my Mother. I guess there is a secret dread that if I don't and something happens I will live with terrible regret. I hated leaving my girl, it was a terrible wrench but I listened to my dear Appreciation and I believe she may be right. A bit of space for the dust to settle, a moment to gain perspective might be the tonic we are both needing. I had an instant of panic on the plane. A feeling of wanting to flee, to run back home. The last time I can remember that feeling was very soon before I gave birth to my girl. When I wanted to hop off the table and just run. "I don''t think I want to do this today, I'm going home" my husband looked so worried but the midwife giggled. 'If you feel that way then you are very close"" She was right. I am glad I stayed, on both occasions.
I have been struck by how many of us here on blip seem to be sandwiched between maturing teens and ailing parents. The tug in two directions makes me feel too grown up. My Mother almost seems like a child to me now. So vulnerable. She has gotten very thin since I saw her last. The superbug she picked up in the hospital is still causing her a great deal of trouble. We did have a rare and very joyful visit yesterday. She only briefly mentioned my roots (I always see to my grooming before our visits but it just wasn't in me this time) and she only worried about my weight for a nano second. She was awake and alert and we even managed to have a laugh, I love to see my mother laugh. She let me take her photo but made me promise not to show a soul. I wanted to put it in my journal but respected her wishes.
Theses are my twin nieces, the gorgeous twinkies. They are such adorable girls. They were being very goofy but I insisted on one 'serious' portrait. This was their best attempt. I could write forever about these two bewitching girls. Their special twin bond, their sassy, sassiness but I will save it for a later date. I am going to drink another cup of coffee with my Sissy and bask in her affection.