Dulux Rollers and Chips

Got up this morning as soon as it got light and went to attempt to polish out the scratches in Eric and Kays hire car.

The trouble is that it is exceptionally frosty and I have to attempt to wash off the ice first. I manage to get a space clear enough to work on the area from the bump and spend about two hours with the t-cut and black coloured polish.

Although I manage to polish out the worst of it and its not dented, the plastic bumper is scuffed and I can't get it any better than it is already. I attempt to wash the rest of the car, but it is freezing as soon as I put the water on it. I'm cautious that I don't put any warm water anywhere near the glass as that would just put the icing on the cake if the windows shattered. I finally call it quits when I take a chunk out my finger, I'm fairly sure that the chunk in question just froze and snapped off, either that or I caught it in the stupid grill bit that your only expected to clean if you have fingers the size of a twelve year old little boy.

I head into the house defeated, bleeding, cold and find solace in hot bacon and sausage rolls with oozes of brown sauce. Eric rips the mickey out of me and he hasn't even got out his jammies yet, the onslaught of the slagging for the car has begun before the first bit of my butty.

We decide that we are going to head down to North Berwick for a rake about and some lunch.

Connie bumps into a lady called Freda with a small Pomeranian dog called Henry.

Freda, looks exceptionally like Henry and has her hair done the same and Connie has suddenly fallen in love with a pointless dog that you have to carry everywhere like a handbag.

I'm sorry, I just don't see the point of these rug warmers, I like men's dogs, practical animals that can fetch a stick, or get your slippers or you can walk for miles. Real dogs can pull sleds, can guard your house, or can bring back a dead duck.

Freda has this little thing cuddled into her and Eric comes out with the winning line "My granny used to have one of those, she used to drape it around her neck". Fools seldom differ and he delivers this punchline seconds before I come out with "I used to have a sporran just like that".

Connie is suddenly convinced she wants one of these little fluff balls and gives the lady her email address as aparently she knows of one for sale.

Eric and I discuss alternative uses for it, such as a Dulux Roller, or consider whether it might be nice with chips.

We hit a nice cafe for lunch and Connie is avidly awaiting the ladies email address with the contact details until she realises that she has had some sort of dyslexic moment and has given the lady the wrong email address. I can't criticise her much for this blatant mistake, I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat. I mean how hard can it be love, the number 1 is after your name, not before.

I decide to cut her a break through and go and see if I can find Auntie Mavis and Pippin, sorry, complete epic fail. So getting back to the cafe and eating a cold toastie and latte interrogate what Connie remembered from the conversation.

She tells me that If I can find the breeder, Cath from cupar that she will dress up as Mrs Santa and also pledge a massage. I take this challenge as Christmas only comes once a year, but tell her that she doesn't have to wear the big white beard this time.

We head home and I flash my lights at a bus to exit from a junction, being the courteous chap that I am. The bus doesn't choose to go, so I proceed and notice that it has a massive scrape on the side.

Que Uncle Eric, with more witty comments like "He must have know it was you and was scared to go", my sides are literally splitting, with oh, lets see about the fourth million car scrape jokes in a day. There is only so much one man can take, he is worse than my father.

I find the breeder on Google in order to win the bet, then tell Connie there is no hope in hell that we are getting a mutt like that. She casts up the fact that I bought a boat earlier in the year, but I am failing to see her point, if there is a flood it will be wholly practical unlike a handbag that barks. I have put my foot down and had the last word on the matter.