Identity crisis

I was just checking whether my printer had appeared in my devices list after doing a full reinstall of windows yesterday and I noticed something strange.

Apparently my wireless keyboard is actually a toaster.

So my computer equipment is apparently mirroring my current personal status - in the midst of an identity crisis. Clearly my keyboard IS one thing, but wants to be another.

Very much me right now.

Really and truly I should have worked tonight - it would have been prudent given the amount of stuff that needs to be done by Monday morning ready for another meeting. Instead, I came home and decided that it was about time I took some action to try to execute my change of identity, or at least help it on its way. So my website has been updated, a business page has been created on FB and I have been pimping my photography services unashamedly. Made a slight faux pas, but that has subsequently been resolved.

I hope it is the fact that it is heading towards the end of a long year, where I think so many of us feel that we have been in crisis management mode, personally and professionally, that is why I am feeling so low. I am questioning everything that is happening around me, repeatedly challenging myself, my ability to do things that rationally I know I do well. My confidence is at a low ebb, even for me. I am short tempered, quick to fly, close to tears and full of self doubt. I have lost my faith in so many things.

If it isn't due to it being a long year, then I have a problem, because I cannot continue in this way. It is too much and I feel that my soul is slowly being drained from me.

A card from a dear friend this morning contained this poem ( it can be found on the internet - an un-named author, 23 years old). It was very pertinent to her, and to me and it has lingered with me all day.

"Limitations" - by The Silent One

I don't know my power
I can't know my strength
Unless I push harder
Until I might break

I want to stay silent
I have to stay back
In case I will falter
I'd have to attack

You want me to shout out
You need me to scream
To push past my limits
And know what you mean

I show my resistance
I raise up my walls
There's no getting out now
I've built them too tall

"Push through them!" you tell me
You think that I can?
I've built them too sturdy
Forever they'll stand

I've built my own prison
There's no getting out
But you force me to wonder
You force me to doubt

So I test my own power
I use all my strength
I push past my limits
And the four walls I take

I savour my freedom
Beyond what I was then
It was not easy
But I'd do it again

And so I must thank you
I'm so happy now
You knew I could do it
And you showed me how