In search of the light

Today was a two walk day.  

One at lunchtime after church and then another this evening, when I took this photo. 

This tree is near me and I've taken pictures of it in the snow, but tonight I was struck by how gnarled and twisted it looks.  It looks like despite it straining to the light it has fought ravages of the North Wind.

Quite comparable to life in general.  In order to move to the light and better warmer times we must face the dark, cold harsh times too.

My logical head says that, but it isn't on my shoulders much today.  It's been a difficult day, with disturbing thoughts filling the gap between my ears.  Hence the two walks!

The logical brain says I have a good life, a very good new job and pretty good health for which I should be thankful.  However the other voice, is reminding me that I might make a mess of it and it will all come crashing down around me.  Deep down I know I have the knowledge and experience.  I just need to work on the self belief.  

I saw a picture on facebook with this quote on it

"If what's ahead scares you and what's behind you hurts you, just look above. He, never fails to help you."

My brain read it as if what's in your head scares you. Odd how the mind does that, makes you see things that aren't there. What's in my head has certainly been scaring me of late.

Reflecting on the week as a whole It's been a challenging - highs and lows.  A good long walk, start of my new fitbit regime, an embarrassing meltdown resulting in thankfully only a sore hand.  A visit to the GP, taking action, a difficult but positive step.  More walking. More dark thoughts.  Started new job which looks good.  Cut the grass, although first cut is gentle so it not the same sense of achievement as a good cut.  Spent valuable time with friends, good to feel loved. Took over church website duties, avoided for a bit but now done.

Looking forward to this week, I hope to maintain the walking.  6 days in a row is impressive for me.  I've spent so much of my life being unable to walk distances so it is still odd to be able to, but I'm grateful.  Training course at work will be interesting to learn about them and meet new people but hard at the same time to maintain a front and get through the inevitable "icebreaker" exercise at the start.  And hopefully all this walking will have made a difference on the scales..