Day 111

I ate a stupid amount of junk this morning and it unsurprisingly didn't make me feel good. I didn't manage to get myself up for a run as I had half contemplated and lay in bed trying to get some more sleep while my heart pounded away in my chest. I also got a little bit scared as I listened to Revelation. I was half sleeping though so I may have missed some crucial words...I think I probably need to discuss it with somebody. I have never read Revelation before but I thought it might help me look at eternity with more joy, rather than feeling trapped like I have been a bit.

Alice texted and invited me over. That snapped me out of my half-conscious, slightly worried state and I hurried into town. I felt a bit delicate and sad but once with Alice, I think I was fine.

Then I went to do some maths with Beth and Charlie. I enjoyed most of that although I felt like I was useless at explaining the stuff to Charlie and I worried that she didn't like me very much.

Then it was church time. I felt a bit like I had just been sailing through the day and suddenly everything caught up with me. I felt guilty that I might be ok. ATOS. Scary.

The sermon was a good reminder of God's grace. I want my prayer to more and more be 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner' (like in Luke 18:13). I don't want to boast in anything, except in the cross of Jesus Christ who died so that I could be saved from death. I think my mind was rather focused on the sermon. Although I do remember biting my thumb out of stress...not sure what that was all about.

After the service I felt a bit unloved or like people didn't like me that much but I am pretty certain that my feelings can't be trusted. I am resisting the urge to seek reassurance. Why would they suddenly dislike me? I didn't do anything worthy of such a response. Try to think about affirming things these people have said. Think of examples from the past where I have felt similarly and all has been fine after all.

I am pleased with myself that despite situations becoming dangerously close to not bothering with proper meals, I did go out of my way to make certain I did have some proper food both for lunch and supper.