Burn

A very late blip entry tonight. It has been a jam-packed day, and I am exhausted.

I'll cut the crap. There was very little excitement today, except for a coffee catch up and a semi-impromptu date with the boyfriend. Playgroup, physio, doctor, and psych nurse. Woo..freakin..hoo.

I'm still quite riled from the events of the last few days, and the behavior of certain individuals of late. Doesn't seem to be easing up. Quite the opposite, in fact. Normally it wouldn't get to me, idiocy. But you know what happened to the camel when he had too many straws tied to his back.

I'm 24. The majority of my 'peers' are roughly the same age. You would think by now we might have grown up, and strayed from the petty mind games we used to play eight years or so ago. Sadly, not all of us have. I seem to be copping the brunt of it, because I have been telling people to grow up, not just grow old. Some are calling me 'pathetic', and 'boring', which really doesn't phase me. I'm allowed to be boring now. I'm a mother. My life doesn't revolve around being their entertainment, and appeasing their every whim and fancy.
Others are using whatever they can to hurt me.
Blahblahblah "Your son deserves better"
blahblahblah "you were more fun before your car accident turned you into a bitch"
blahblahblah "you have bipolar, doesn't mean you can be a psycho"
blahblahblah "lose the pounds, get a life, get away from the camera, and then maybe you will fit in"
blahblahfreakinblah.
NEVER tell me my son deserves better! I am not a perfect mother, but then not one of us is, ever has been, nor ever will be. I do the best I can with what I have got, which is all anyone can ask and expect of me. And it shows, because Master Four Year Old is a very bright, well mannered, sensitive little boy. Why should my social awkwardness, and lack of tolerance for bullshit spiteful antics of so-called adults decide how good I am for my son?!
NEVER use my car accident against me. I very nearly died. I very nearly killed my then 17 year old brother and his 16 year old girlfriend. I carry guilt with me every damn day for the negative ways that car accident impacted on two very young, beautiful people. That changes someone. A lot. Not to mention that two years, two months, and 13 days on, I am still in immense pain from my injuries, still waiting for two, maybe three more reconstructive surgeries. I'd LOVE to go out dancing, and act like the 20something that I am when Master Four Year Old is with his father. But I physically can't. Forgive me for being un-fun.
NEVER hold the fact I have bipolar (and various other psych issues) against me. Yes, I am unstable. Yes, I can blow up from time to time. Yes, I understand that it is sometimes hard to know how to react around me. Do you think I LIKE being like this? That I LIKE not knowing from one minute to the next how I'm going to feel? That I LIKE being so down that I withdraw from society because even the thought of a social situation sends me into panic? That I LIKE being in a mania where I become narcissistic? No. Not even close. I hate having bipolar. It has made my life so much more difficult for the better part of a decade. Would I change it? No. It's part of who I am. I don't like my tummy, but am I rushing off for lipo? No. To quote the beautiful Marylin Monroe: "If you cannot handle me at my very worst, you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."
NEVER use my weight, my priorities to motherhood, and my passion for photography as a way for telling me I don't fit in. Medications for bipolar, having a baby, and being incapacitated for much of the last two years will have a somewhat undesired impact on my body. Doesn't change the person that I am. My son is my life, why do I need to 'get a life'. That would make me a bad mother, and THEN he would deserve better. And photography is what I do. It's my job (albeit on sick leave at the moment). It's my hobby. It's my passion. Don't say in one breath "Oh, your photos are so beautiful, I'd love for you to take some of me", and in the next tell me to ditch it. If I don't fit in, being true to myself... I don't really want to.

Rant rant rant. My apologies. If you're still reading this, I congratulate you.

As kids, we all used to say "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". You know what?... That's a BIG, FAT LIE! People's words hurt a lot more. Poke me with a stick, you break my skin. I don't care. Throw a stone at me, you leave a bruise. I don't care. They heal a lot quicker than the emotional hurt caused by using very personal things that I have no control over, against me.
Even more, these people are hiding behind their phones, using text messages to tell me what they don't have the courage to say to my face. It burns.

So that is why my mannequin is surrounded by flames, and has turned my her phone off.

So much for cutting the crap. :/ Have a good weekend, everyone.

"You're twisted if you think that you can control me.
Your actions are about to leave you sad and lonely...
Look what you did to me, cut me so very deep.
I need a doctor, 'cause this is starting to burn."
~ Burn - Jessica Mauboy