Excalibur found on Newburgh Beach

On April the 4th the Daily and Sunday Sport newspapers, those diligent exponents of tabloid journalism's lower reaches, as the BBC website put it, folded, expired, went belly-up, entered administration, were no more.

For nearly 25 years these UK rags have provided an unsavoury brew of celebrity gossip and soft pornography and, when all else failed, entirely made-up stories; who can forget their headline World War II Bomber Found on Moon?

I feel that a demise of such total unimportance should not go unnoticed and so today I report that I have discovered King Arthur's legendary sword, Excalibur, firmly embedded in a granite boulder at the top of Newburgh beach. Try as I might I couldn't pull it from the firm embrace of the rock, and so any hopes of my ruling Britain were cruelly dashed.

Thinking about it afterwards it might have been just a rusty old fisherman's knife .........