REFLECTIONS ON LIFE

The longer I have to wait for this op the worse it becomes. Today I had my pre-op assessment. Well nobody told me I needed a pre-op assessment. I'm pretty sure that wasn't mentioned when they first told me I had cancer - and I'm pretty sure it isn't mentioned in my little red book either.

So there I was, in town with my friend, just about to go for lunch when a nurse phoned me and said I'd missed my pre-op assessment appointment. I totally freaked out. Said I didn't know anything about a pre-op assessment. Only yesterday did I receive my 'official' letter telling me that my op was on 21st July. I had to phone to confirm it within 5 days and so phoned straight away. I actually asked if that was all I needed to do and they said 'yes'.

Apparently my appointment for the pre-op assessment was in the middle of this letter. Sure enough it was. But I didn't get the letter until 3.30pm yesterday when I got home from work, and then I had to walk the dog, pick friend up from station & then we had numerous other things planned. I wrongly assumed that because I'd confirmed my op and asked if there was anything else that I needed to do that I was in control of the situation.

How wrong can one be? After numerous phone calls (and totally freaking out in the middle of town) I eventually got another appointment at 1.30pm. At one point I was told there were no pre-op assessment appointments available, the surgeon wouldn't do the op without one, and I could put the op back till the 4th Aug. That only served to make me more stressed than I already was.

Anyway we abandoned lunch, went off to the hospital at 1.30pm & my friend who was only here for 24 hours had to sit in the waiting room and wait for me - and there wasn't even any decent magazines.

I was probably there about half an hour or so. The nurse was really nice. She asked me millions of questions about my general health. My general health is good. I answered 'NO' to every question - apart from the 'how much do you drink??' question. Tried to be honest. - Don't drink every single day of the week but do drink more than 14 units a weeks. Well 14 units is only a bottle and a half of wine?? I can manage that quite easily in one go. I noticed she'd written 28 units with a little up arrow next to it.

I suspect my high alcohol intake has caused this. Also I haven't had children - another contributory factor. I drink a lot of water which I keep refilling into plastic bottles - another contributory factor??!! The internet is scary. Read too much & you find out loads of stuff you don't want to.

The nurse took my blood pressure, weighed & measured me. She said I was 5ft 6ins. Well I've always been 5ft 5ins (though she did have to convert it from metric). Haven't a clue what I weighed. She put weird 'paper clip'? things on my toes to check my pulse (& oxygen levels??). Couldn't put them on my fingers because I had nail varnish on. Oh, and I also had to pee into a horrid little tinfoil dish. Very difficult because, I'd gone before I went to the hospital?. Also the nurse took me to the toilet and then when I came out I didn't have a clue how to get back to the consulting room. I ended up in a corridor, practically crying, 'cos I was so stressed, until another nurse appeared & took me back to where I should be.

So, if there is anything wrong with my blood - which apparently is to test the bones & liver - I'll hear by the end of the week. So only two days to go. Not sure what is being tested in the bones and the liver. Apparently it's just routine, whatever that may mean.

In a way I'm really glad that I didn't know about this pre-op assessment. If I'd known I had an appointment I would have been very stressed.

So - that's all over and done with. Thank God.

So me & friend went for a coffee afterwards before I took her back to the train station.

But then I got home to find a message on my landline from my consultant asking me to phone his secretary. Apparently if there is cancer in my lymph nodes they now won't be able to cut it all out at the same time. I'm going to have to go back for another operation. Apparently they don't have enough staff??!!

When I was first told I had cancer I thought it was just a case of cutting it out and then I'd be hunky dory. The more they tell me and the more I read the scareier it is. It's obviously not just a case of chopping it out and me being back to normal the next day. Can't drive for at least 12-14 days, can't lift stuff, can't have blood pressure etc taken from affected side (for life?), will need time off work, can't shower or bath because I'll have dressings covering the wound. Apparently the nurses at the hospital will teach me how to have a 'strip wash'. Just how patronising is that???

This is the most scary thing that I've ever had to face in my whole life.