a snap shot of my life

No need for etherwash when the truth shall set you free
Written July 21st and updated and posted today.

When most people in my time zone go to sleep, I wake up. It is midnight. I sit in the glow of my computer drinking water with a tea bag, there is no way the tea has steeped. I am impatient and restless, my shoulders and chest tight. Anxiety is taking over my body in the night. There are too many things up in the air, too many little open ended doubts and fears stirring within me. I remember this feeling from the past and I wish it would go away. I haven't been breathing, I haven't been exercising, I haven't been active in my recent life. I have lost myself again momentarily and this creeping anxiety and cement filled body is my reminder.

I feel like I haven't been painting but know this is a lie. I make note of the evidence. Since my last show in November 2010, I have painted one large commission, twenty maps of the night, twenty nine flashcards, ten letters never sent, nine co-paintings with Stewart, one random white painting and have started fourteen (more now) paintings in progress for my upcoming show in September 2011. This list relaxes me some. I reassure myself that the paintings count even when not on canvas. I also note that I have sold the commission, twenty maps, twenty seven flashcards, and so far, six letters never sent, one co painting with Stewart, as well as many older color and white series works in this time period as well.

I remind myself that I did a little writing, singing and a lot photography during this time. I took up running for a six week stretch and took some good walks too. Stewart visited for five weeks, and I drove to Tulsa to see Interpol and went to Eureka Springs, two car trips/adventures I have never done before, at least not in the way I did them this time.

I remember I have been going through a separation and divorce during this time, as well as the thrill of developing an exciting and complex relationship with Stewart who is more than 4,000 miles away. I have also been supporting myself solely from the sale of my art since September 2010 when I became separated, something I wasn't sure I would ever be able to do. It hasn't been easy but it has increased my confidence.

I have helped manage and run a non profit organization seeing it reach new heights and new struggles. It's latest struggle being that we have to be out of the building by January 15th. So we have to find a new home for four galleries and fifteen studios or severely downsize. Managing and creating the programing for the Fayetteville Underground has not been easy but it has been rewarding and one of the best achievements in my life to date. I have helped bring amazing art to my town, I have helped artists promote their work and have tried to be a mentor and supportive friend to many.

I have remained in contact with friends near and far as well, and created new friendships. I have also seen my parents regularly, for monthly visits. I could have done all this better I am sure. I have had some hard, sad times, as well as some depressive episodes. I wish I had kept running but I can always start again. I know I eat too much crap on occasion but I eat pretty healthy most of the time, and I think I am in decent health. When I look at this list I know I am doing amazing things with my life. I know I am not letting my time on the planet go to waste. I am a thinking and feeling woman, passionate and kind, well rounded and engaged. I am exploring and growing everyday, becoming more of the person I want to be in fits and starts, imperfectly. I love, I worry, I create, and I am doing alright.

Life is beautiful. We are beautiful. You are beautiful.

x.