Penny Chew

Behold the Cameron Carbonara, budget cooking at its finest. Sharing recipes isn't something I do often - I feel it's a slippery slope from that to becoming a camp TV chef who says "like so" after everything he does, and spouts irritatingly nonsensical phrases like "bish bash bosh" - but in times of great want, I feel obliged to pass on my wisdom to those in need of it. Just as Jonathan Swift penned his own unique cookbook to help alleviate famine in Ireland, perhaps my own culinary expertise may bring light to many a recession-hit household.

Before you fire up the cooker, you'll need a picture of the man after whom this dish is named. As the inspiration for the recipe - and indeed, the principle architect of you having to cook meals that cost less than a pound - it's only right that you should be able to gaze at Dangerous Dave's face while you work. If you can, find a shot where he looks especially smug; there's plenty of them about. Now stick it to your chopping board, like so.

Pasta is the base for this dish, and if you shop in the right places, you can buy whole packets of deformed, rubbery shapes that look like they sprouted up outside a nuclear waste facility, for just a few pence. To accompany it, find a cheap tin of mushroom soup (top tip: the more it looks like cat vomit, the cheaper it is) and a few cuts of bacon. (If you're a bit too skint for bacon, never fear: you can always ambush your neighbour's dog after dark and see what it has to offer. It doesn't need all four of those legs.)

Cook your pasta as normal, and introduce it to the lightly-simmered mushroom soup, like so. After stirring thoroughly, add a couple of dollops of green pesto (if you can't afford pesto, I suggest chopped nettles marinated in rainwater; makes for a strong constitution) and additionally, three teaspoons of English mustard. Now this is one ingredient you can't replace: in times of austerity, it's our duty above all to be PATRIOTIC. The mustard industry in this country needs you now more than ever. If the colour's any darker than InterCity yellow, take it right back to the shop, find the manager, and force them to eat the whole jar with a spoon while singing God Save The Queen.

Have you done that? Good. Now your Cameron Carbonara's nicely cooked, and requires only a garnish. I usually go with grated cheese, although those of you teetering on the verge of bankruptcy may prefer to use melted wax instead. A bit of ground black pepper and basil on top (if you're struggling for these, just stick some tree-bark in a blender) and you're all done. Bish bash bosh.

Thanks for following this week's budget cookery session! Tune in next week to learn how to make an Osborne Omelette, followed by Nick Clegg Is A Complete And Utter Wanker beans on toast.