Hope

So....with the last blog post....I basically left a deathnote, let me let out some details of what unfolded as my second chance.

Oct 03 2011, Was a completely terrific day that rocked my world [or as Taylor Swift puts it, Sparks Fly~]
Oct 06 2011, I received news that reflected the feeling I had on that monday, in an entirely opposite direction, I contemplate my demise
Oct 07 2011, I say personal goodbyes to a few close friends, made my best friend, a grown man of 31 cry, left a paper trail on my blipfoto for my other friends [and them stalkers, can't live without them] and...

Followed a four step plan consisting of:
1. Go catch a movie
2. Eat something yummy
3. Get wasted after a dry spell of....whenever 2011 began
4. Sleep, permanently

Sadly, I told my friend that night of my intention and that she better enjoy my company one last time, she dragged me to get some thai food and catch Real Steal [really good movie btw. Hugh Jackman never fails to amaze me] but by the time everything ended, it was around 11pm and at that point, I was too tired to grab a drink.

So I headed home...

I won't convey any more boring details, but the highlight...

Locked myself in the bathroom, sat at the edge of the tub, my foot firmly holding the door down as the people on the otherside are doing God knows what, began pouring the bleach unto the tub and swallowed a stupid amount of sleeping pills [just in case]...

Then I picked up her call...

I honestly, didn't want anyone else to talk me out of it but her, because to tell everyone the truth, she's the bane/core of my existence....

Conversation went from pleas, sobs, begs, promises....until at a certain point [while talking with her, I began pouring the ammonia into the tub] I passed out at some point during this conversation...

Then I woke up to her wailing, my head feeling numb, my vision blurry, I don't remember what I exactly said or what she said, but it was somewhere in the line of:

Her: If you die, I will follow you...

I don't know what came over me, I don't know why I freaked out, I got up, opened the door, and ran the hell out of the bathroom...

Again, I can't recall the conversation after....though she made me promise if I don't want to live for myself, I have to live for her

FAIR ENOUGH~


Sadly, I didn't post anything on Blip or Facebook due to a few reasons.

1. Everytime I think of Thursday, my body goes numb, especially my whole skull and I tend to fall to my knees on the verge of breaking down
2. I realized, I may have permanently damaged my lungs and not to mention my head...no i'm not getting it checked, I'm aspiring to be a guy who stabs people for a living and get paid a 100k for it [Doctors do those kind of stuff right?]
3. I had trouble typing, talking, not to mention concentrating for the past few days, understandably, I freaked out at this fact.
4. I'm still sleepless, and nightmares occur on a nightly basis even while passing out from exhaustion on the train ride back to your city.

As always, fate isn't that cruel, I managed to get my memory, concentration, communication [or what little I had to begin with] skills back.

I managed to try keeping an exceedingly optimistic view....I came off from that experience realizing a few things.


1. I really am selfish, but hey, now I live for her..
2. The 'other side' looks pretty dark and empty
3. I cheated death, because no way in Hell can you swallow almost a whole bottle of sleeping pills and walk around like its nothing
4. Its almost a year, since I told myself I'm marrying this girl
5. I wonder if I can find my armor, sword, and shield and repeat the stunt I did last year....


Hell....I'm rambling at this point but...
as I told my professor after asking what are the possible side-effects if a person hypothetically did what I did...

He gave me a concerned look and asked how do I feel [he knew it was me, but heh]

Naturally, I took the moment to turn around, walk away, opened the door, looked back:

"Fantastic, a second chance, with a specific purpose and direction, never felt so frickin better!"


Emmy, the Bane and Purpose of my existence, as my words when I was wearing my armor...

"I am yours, I live to serve"- Me, Oct 29, 2011. Kneeling before her, with a bouquet of green and white roses.