House By The Sea

there is a house by the sea
and an ocean between it and me
and like the shape of a wave
the jealous sisters will sing on my grave
and i've been living to run where they led
and i've been dying to rise from their bed
and i've been sparing my neck from their chain
and they've been changing the sound of my name
and i've been swimming to them in my sleep
and i've been dreaming our love and our freedom

-iron and wine


in literature, the home is often representative of the inner self, most often in female characters. my version of home is where i feel most at peace with myself and those around me. and despite all the conflict and riotous chaos around me, i have been ultimately at a deep peace with everything.

until now.

something is rattling my cage from deep inside, shaking the bars and reminding me that i am, somehow, too comfortable with my situation, that i've stepped too far from what's familiar. it's telling me to come back inside, to be re-confined within those bars of rules and inhibitions that i have set for myself in my perfectionism, in my anorexia, in my shyness, in my willful self-preservation.

i'm shaking those bars right back, urging the monster back into it's cage. i love where i am at right now, and i know that things are going to get even scarier, pushing my limits even further. and considering the present situation in which i feel like a tightrope walker without a net, i realize that the future only brings more incredible challenges.

yet not without support. i have my loving friends, family, and my own inner strength to rely on. i can do this without a net. i will conquer my fear of heights and allow myself to be suspended in the air, taking that leap of faith, not knowing what will happen next. i can be okay with not knowing the rules, simply living to bring goodness to the world, and working for the benefit of others. once i stop thinking about myself, everything will fall into place.

life is good, and i have to trust it.

i may get hurt, but what i have gained from that experience is so worthwhile. and not knowing what could have been is far worse than growing from an undeniable, amazing, gut-wrenchingly beautiful fall. i am tired of living in a cage, scared of the world. now is the time to act, to put myself out there. to be uninhibited.

i am living in the moment.


peace.