Welcome H.

If I'd known how much stress, grief and heartache you'd cause me I think I'd have handed you back!

Only kidding. You're hard bl**dy work but I fell in love with you on this day and I've stayed in love with you...no matter what you think!

I wrote down what happened shortly after the birth and this is it.


Monday April 14th 2003 9pm: Had my first Braxton Hicks contractions. Yay...only three more weeks to go.

Tuesday April 15th 2003 6am: Had my first brilliant night's sleep for ages. Dying for a wee. roll inelegantly out of bed onto my hands and knees (a low Japanese style bed seemed so chic pre-pregnancy). Hear what sounds like an elastic band snap. Stand up. Ooops...loads of water...all over my oh so chic sheepskin rug. Aaaaargh...waddle to bathroom. Loads more water. Wake Bob. Ring hospital. They sound very laid back. Tell me to have a shower and make myself pretty then come in for a check.

Strong twinges in the shower. Hmmmm thought early stage labour was supposed to be like niggly period pains. Aaaarrrrgh. It's confirmed. I'm a complete wimp. Ooooooooh. I don't like this. Where's Bob? Putting the dogs in their run...Bl**dy brilliant.

Ok, feel a bit better now...Oooooooofff. I do NOT like this. I will not be a wimp. I will not be a wimp. Bl**dy hell I always thought I had quite bad periods but if these are niggly period pains I'm a F*****g Dutchman. Weird I don't swear. F************************K. Ooops.
Yes darling I'm dressed and on my way. Pain? Oh just niggly period pains. Yes I will take your arm, my legs feel a bit wobbly...sorry about the nail marks.

Read in one of my mountain of pregnancy mags that we should make sure we have sandwiches for hubby as he could be in for a long haul. Insist we stop at BP garage en route to Kettering General. No darling I don't want to come in...just get something for yourself sweetheart...and Bob? Please be QUICK.

NO I CAN'T Bl**DY WELL WALK TO THE HOSPITAL FROM THE F*****G CARPARK AND YES I KNOW I DON'T F*****G WELL SWEAR. DRIVE ME TO THE DOOR YOU MORON.

Hello nice midwife. Pain? No just niggly little period pains really. Oh that dilated...stage two...? Braxton Hicks were stage one...You mean I slept through it? Crikey you mean I can justifiably scream with pain now. BRILLIANT. Only now I don't want to...I'm all embarrassed.

Right, here is my birth plan nice midwife...I'd like a water birth, aromatherapy candles, music... what meconium...what do you mean distress...spine to spine? You're offering me an epidural? I thought you had to fight for them...oh that painful eh? Ok bring it on.

Nice midwife? Is it normal for the epi to work on one side only? My left leg feels like it's abandoned the delivery room and gone on holiday...my right leg though...AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHH. Don't you put that bl**dy mask on me you MW B*TCH from hell...(Oh gosh did I really punch a MW?)...sorry...sorry...I just don't like masks. What's it for anyway?'

Gosh there's an emergency in the room next door. I can hear everyone rushing around shouting to get the registrar, consultant and resuc. She's crashing poor love...her BP has dropped to nothing and the baby is in danger. What a bl**dy shame. Gosh the walls are thin.

OMIGOSH that woman is me! Bob's saying 'look into my eyes'...... Aaaaaaaaaaaand I'm back in the room... No please don't gove me a caesarian I don't want to die. I don't want MRSA (did I really say that? Bob swears blind I did). Ooh he's tasty. Who's he? Yes I'll concentrate on you...no problem. My what HUGE hands you have and what the F***** is that? A venteuse? That is going NOWHERE near my tender bits. Oh I see it is...One BIG push and... Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgh.

I have a baby boy...I have my little Henry. He scores ten on the AGPAR scale...I score minus fifty or thereabouts.

Bob, what are you doing? What do you mean the bucket thing is stuck on the end of the bed and you're helping the midwife to get it off. Get up this end you dimwit. Oh great it's off and all the gunk is now splattered all over the floor...fit of uncontrollable giggles coming...don't you dare faint on me you wimp after what I've been through... Yes nice midwife I'd love something to eat...Oh him...Bl**dy hell Bob can't I take you anywhere without you charming everyone?

Dishy Doc appears to be embroidering his very own Bayeux Tapestry around my nether regions. I might just tell him to sew the bl**dy hole up while he's at it so I NEVER have to go through this again...I'll just concentrate on Henry...MMMMmmmmmmm bliss.