Deathtrap

This marvellous piece of vintage engineering is what conveys me from the ground to the fourth storey at work each day. And where, inevitably, my desiccated body will one day be found after the mechanism fails between floors.

There's a knack to getting this lift to function, which is why very few people use it and why no-one will report it broken. First, slide the big, heavy outer door closed. This is important. Second, slide the inner concertina door closed, but don't worry about trying to connect it to the frame of the lift because it's broken and they've just detached the sensors anyway. Finally, press and hold the button for precisely three seconds past the time when you become convinced that nothing's going to happen. This is the most vital step. Release the button too early and you'll be walking up the four flights of stairs.

If I ever go missing, look here first.