The Black Widow

I love washing my car.  I don't know.  It calms me.  My sister taught me how to use the spray gun and how you MUST use the spot free rinse otherwise the car will be covered in unsightly hard water spots.  I looked up to her so much.  I still do.  She's my older sister and I love her so desperately.  She was my idol.  She was my support.  She is so beautiful in so many ways that I don't even think she realizes it.  

So when I get nervous, I go to the car wash.  Cleanliness is next to godliness so I gots to get clean cause Lord knows I'm a total sinner.  And since I smoke about seven cigarettes a minute in an all black interior car, the inside looks like the bottom of an ass tray, usually about five minutes after I finish vacuuming.  One day the attendant looked at me with a curious smile.  "You here many times..."  I know I'm a total psycho OCD meth head.  Gimme a break all right?

So, I'm vacuuming out my car, listening to GAGA's Born This Way and I barely notice the are car slide in next to me.  I don't notice at first, but then I see it...  I halted.  Didn't breathe.  Stopped dead in my tracks.

Now, if what had happened last week hadn't happened, I might have just brushed it off, but I can't erase the madness from my mind.

So two weeks prior, my buddy couldn't stop talking about Arachnophobia.  How frightened he was of spiders.  I brushed it off.  I try not to give anyone ammunition to use agains to my fears.  

So usually conversations go something like this... "Snakes?  Oh, didn't you know, I'm a snake charmer by night.  Cool, right?  I mean I gotta protect myself, right?

But I've learned that sometimes all anyone needs is one thought from your brain to bring your fears to the surface.  

So the next week, I stop to get gas and as I'm pulling out the gun from the gas tank, I notice something.  Again, I stop dead in my tracks.  Inside the gas tank repression, sits a large brown recluse with the biggest web and a sack that looked like a gigantic cotton ball.  I screamed and got in the car heading straight for the drive through car wash.  Fuck!  It was out of order.  I already felt creepy crawlies all over my buddy.  I squealed out of the parking lot of the gas station and hurried to my parents for our usual 7PM dinner.  I told them of the spider. No real response.  

So after spray bombing my entire car with Raid.  I know, I'm a bad human.  But this was an emergency,  I called my father out like a little boy and out he came looking quizzically at the gas tank.  I guess you got it.

So here I am at the car wash, and I freeze.  All over the car that slid in next to me was these little white spiders scampering all across the navy blue paint job.  I screamed to the man over his vacuum to look out.  He seemed non-plussed and stated that he thought he saw a other 

I drove home feeling very powerful.  That is until I walked in and headed for the bathroom for a piss.  And there she was.  Perched on the whites rocks I collected on the beaches of Fire Island.   Again, not the most conscious, but I flushed and hope to never see her again

This was the moment, that I knew.  I knew.  I was cursed.  My time was up.  The clock was ticking.  Someone be my ride outta here.