Countryside, Halderberge, West Brabant

Shot quite close to the A17 but not on it.

Half-done today ... tired and sleepy but not enough to sleep or nap, awake but not enough energy.  The physio noticed it, as she has noticed it often, and told me she thinks it's in my head, and that it's more in my head than in my body.  I really really started to think about it even as I went to the supermarket afterwards, and then trolled the countryside on the way home looking for a nice frame to cheer me up somewhat.

Hubby had gone to Tilburg again this morning for more tests (he needs to return a couple more times in the coming months) and then he visited an old friend, the same one he laid the floors down for late last year.  When he got home, I was busy with some housekeeping but then I sat down and told him what the conclusion was that I'd arrived at -- the burn-out I had way back in 2012 is actually still there.  It had started when I resigned from the police academy because of a labour conflict with management but I could not afford to completely stop working because hubby himself could no longer work (he still can't) and there were still a number of things we wanted to do.  Can you imagine the quiet horror when I had to face that fact?  It really explains a load of things -- the panic attacks, feelings of nausea, physical discomfort.  The panic attacks and nausea are a lot lot less because I've settled into my current job and everything is going well there but it also explains why I often have the idea that I would like to quit working, if that were possible.

And now ... what to do? Hubby is at his bridge evening in Breda tonight but the topic isn't finished.  In the meantime, I've reviewed my decisions over the years and still don't regret them.  I'm doing well at work, the house is okay and almost paid for (just one more year), we're seeing more of the world.  I actually have nothing to complain about.

Except the fact that I'm often tired and my energy and appetite are low.  Something has to give or be put on a lower step on the ladder of priorities.  I'll keep my hobbies because that's where I get my adrenaline from ... but I'll do all of them less and use the time to sleep -- to sleep and forget everything around me just as a person with a burn-out would normally do.  Less reading ... less genealogy ... less computer ... less driving when I don't need to ... maybe less blipping, although I'll try to post one daily because it's a spot of discipline that can't do any harm ... and more sleep so that I can go on doing the things that do need to be done.  Oh hell, why don't I just call in sick?  Many do, that's true ... but I am not the type and have never been, and I won't start now.

And so, dear folks, it's only 21.30 but I think I'll call it a day.  I hope this early night will be the start of many many earlier-than-usual nights.