An interesting day

This was a tricky shot to take and a little blurry - one I was trying to take it quickly before some young children scared it away before I could take the shot.  
This is my first shot in a little while and if I am honest I am finding it hard to engage with blip with all the politics and changes going on.  So have decided to blip when I can and make comments when I can, without beating myself up if I cannot do it one day.  Hopefully I will get back into it really soon.
I found yesterday really difficult (this being a back blip), I go through this every now and again.  But I was really low and felt really down.  I get like this every now again when I feel cheated, with my current situation regarding kids and our decision to remain childless, I have days where I feel like life has cheated me.  I have recently found out we are in the 4% of people who remain childless, despite trying other options.  Although we have made this decision and on the whole at peace with it, there are days where I feel like life has cheated me.  Other people are around me having kids or successfully going through IVF and I wonder if we should of continued trying.  I know in my heart we couldn't emotionally or financially continued with this journey.  But days like yesterday it makes me feel low.  I am having to make a career decision that I feel somewhat forced to make.  Not by anyone in particular but by circumstance.  I feel like my only option is go forth with my application to be a head teacher and I am not sure if I want that, but there are not many options out there after deputy headship.  So I am trying to summon the courage and determination to begin yet another course to become a head teacher.  There is a really rigorous application procedure to get on the course and am having to spend my weekend completing it.  I am also exhausted, which doesn't help.  I am exhausted with my current role of Acting Headteacher 2 and half days a week on top of my already busy role. With unrealistic expectations from everyone.  This exhaustion doesn't help with perspective.  I know that if I don't go down this path I will no longer qualify for a pay rise and this may be my only option to leave the place of work I am currently at.  I do feel somewhat trapped by this thought.  

I know having kids isn't an easy option or a way out, but I know when people have children, it gives them a focus, a new direction and a different perspective.  It also gives people time to reflect on their situation and find a new direction.  I feel somewhat cheated that I won't get that.  That I am having to choose a path that I feel like it should be the next step, not necessarily the next step I want.

If I am totally honest I want a completely new direction - but in order to get this I know I am going to have to continue on this path in order to raise the funds to get there.  I also know that only me can make the life changes I need to make.  If I don't try with this application for the headship course, I will never know if I could do it or if its right for me, with only myself to blame.  So for the moment anyway I am going to 'suck it up', try with this application and see where it takes me.  My dream of a bookshop/coffee shop combo will have to wait for a while.  But for once in my life I am not going to let this dream go.

I just hope this feeling passes - hate feeling like this.  Thats why I decided on this as my blip because yesterday all I wanted to do was to take flight and escape.  Today I am beginning to feel a little better.