Up, But Mostly Down

Using something as a crutch, I feel calmer. When it wears off, I feel panicky again....

I popped out to get a few groceries. This whole month I have wasted money on them. Buying them only to have my world collapse in on me repeatedly, and then I don't eat anything and I have to throw it away. I just bought some fruit to make my smoothies in the morning. A bit of nutrition I suppose.

I saw a pic of Tim watching the rugby this afternoon with our friend S. And I felt my chest start to whoosh, and I couldn't think straight. I never thought I'd have to go through this with him. So reminiscent of last summer and guy friend. I didn't want to go there again. I flew into a bit of a panic where I thought I couldn't cope with anything. I called a couple of friends who did some over-the-phone hand holding which was truly appreciated. They are amazing people. 

I messaged Tim something upbeat, and he messaged back. I decided to call him, and it was nice to hear his voice. It was a bit weird, as it's not the same obviously on the phone as it would have been before. But he's not guy friend who shut every door he could. We haven't had any contact since he came over to talk last Saturday. We made plans to go for dinner in half-term. I told him there's something about me I'd like to tell him. He didn't freak out. I doubt I'll ever resolve this in the way I'd like, but I continue to try. 

I have five days to get through before half-term. A few hours ago I didn't think I could go in tomorrow, but I will. This isn't me. Whatever I do, wherever I go, NOTHING makes me feel better. There's no answer. I suppose it will take a lot of time. My close friends, who are very spiritual people, have said they just have this feeling that this needs to happen and that things will work out. I had that kind of calm as well. Maybe it's a coping strategy. I hope they are right. 

I'm praying for a miracle.