Anything...

that might make me feel less crap.

I took a tour of the Reebok gym in Canary Wharf where my friend K goes. The difference is she works around there, whereas I had to take the train, then the tube. At rush hour, as the tour was at 5pm.... I've done it before, no biggie, but it was boiling hot and I had too many layers on....

I was just thinking of the weekend membership, for £75, seeing as I seem to have so much more time at weekends now... I thought I might be able to combine it with evenings out there. Now I'm not sure.

Afterwards I met Kay at Le Pain Quotidien on Southbank. She took longer than me to get there, and it was in that alone time that those anxious feelings started to bubble up again. No diazepam for a few hours so I took one more, as I had a feeling I might start blubbing the second she arrived.

Once we'd caught up I felt better. A combination of being able to talk and the meds kicking in I guess. We had a nice snack and then talked all the way home on the train. I felt quite comforted being at my home. I've been enjoying sleeping in my cosy bed this week, without rushing to get up like when I'm working. Made me feel a bit calmer. 

I find myself asking WTF has happened to me lately. I've never had to take meds to get me through anxiety before. I'm not sure who I am at the moment. 

I was supposed to meet Tim tomorrow, but he asked if we could do Saturday instead. I said yes, but that we should go out and do something fun, and in my own words "no drama". He was up for that. Our messaging was more upbeat and it was nice.

But instead of feeling happy, I've felt more stressed. I was thinking of suggesting two fun activities and letting him choose, as if we go for a meal I a) won't enjoy it (anxiety), and b) we'll end up going over the same stuff as before. Which probably won't help either of us. 

When I was in Canary Wharf I saw the skating rink being put together, and I would really like to do that with him. He took me ice skating last December for our 2nd date at the Natural History Museum. 2nd Date   But then I think I'm just trying to recreate something and it might not feel as good. The other option is bowling at All Star Lanes. I think Tim might prefer this. I genuinely want to go and have a good time, but now I'm thinking he might think I'm trying too hard and trying to get him back. And I'll feel silly if the night goes badly and things are awkward. Like I've tried too hard. 

I can't win really. Never in a million years did I think dating, and then relationships would be so damn difficult. No more after this one.