Good Grief 80

Didn't really know what to do with myself today.
I didn't want to be in the house.
The house is no longer the home.
It was a stunningly beautiful morning so I walked in the morning and then indulged one of my small obsessions when the moment was right.
This is one obsession that has been with me for many years since my partner and I first came across it. It has remained with me ever since but the time has never been right to return ... always preoccupied with things to do when visiting the folks.
When I got there today I was concerned that I might not be in the right location but then I thought that it didn't matter too much. Nothing matters anymore. If nothing else it has got me out somewhere different. Then I worried that if I found what I was looking for it wouldn't live up to the memory of it. I had, after all, first come across it when I was happy and with my partner and then there was the joy of the moment, of the day, of discovery and of being together.
When I found what I was looking for I was relieved but it wasn't the best example, I took a photo and thought 'never mind ... just enjoy the day and the fresh air'. But then I saw more, and then more, and I marvelled.
I marvelled at the mystery, the wonder and the beauty.
Suddenly I was aware, if just for a moment, of a sense of something plunging through my chest wall and reaching in to massage my heart into life. For the briefest of moments a feeling of resuscitation.
It reminded me of the moment Shelley's heart was retrieved from his funeral pyre after his tragic death off the Italian coast.