rosemary

i'm packing now, have to move a week from tomorrow. i find myself desperately propping open every metaphorical door that connects me to this place. i am hanging on hard.

i always found it interesting when i was getting my undergrad, i was close with so many grad students and most of them pined for a place somewhere else where their roots were deep and they visited more often than seemed reasonable.

i've come to understand that.

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my meticulous nature is not currently serving me well in regards to "camp lbj." i would air my grievances here, but i don't feel like repeating it and honestly, let's just get real. i seriously don't have enough time to worry about all of these disparate things. you can do only so many things well and since there is no in-between for me, i have to stop. so be it.

i'm talked into more responsibility. i should stop being so reliable.

at least there is jam waiting at the parents.

deliver me.

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i had the most vivid dream i've had in the past year last night. we were all laughing and climbing the rock scramble at middlesex fells. there were 20 foot tall sunflowers and all i could think about was how much i wanted to collect one and send it back to BRIT, but there were only two and i wasn't sure how i could ever press it, so i just sat down.

it was that little clearing where lily always used to run off. i haven't thought about that place in almost a year, since i left. but dreams have a way of mixing it all up. of telling you things and bringing out what's on your mind.

most of what's on my mind is easily decipherable but the part about the fells: i don't know.

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at least i made an A on the midterm.

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in the dream we were right by this tree. which was oddly enough almost exactly a year ago.