Bad Language

"We've had a stand-up battle in the middle of the field with one man on top of a policeman, and now the policemen are yanking them off, several at a time. They are just yanking them off."

There is a short circuit in the brain of the average sports commentator that seems to make them blissfully unaware when they're using words and phrases that are either loaded with innuendo, or drained of all logic and sense. Bill Bothwell's quote above is just the tip of the iceberg, but nonetheless, a worthy addition to my grand collection of tragically hilarious commentary moments, of which you can find a fine selection below.


We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised."
(Ian McNail - Football)

"This is really a lovely horse; I once rode her mother."
(Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite."
(Murray Walker)

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country."
(Ian Rush - Footballer)

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator."
(John Arlott - Cricket Commentator)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett - Footballer)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical." (Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
(Greg Norman - Golfer)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
(Alan Minter - Boxer)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball."
(John Francombe - Jockey)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
(Terry Venables - Football Coach)

"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival."
(Noel O'Mahoney, Cork City boss before the game in Munich)

"I would not say he [David Ginola] is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
(Ron Atkinson - Football Coach)

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
(Ron Atkinson - Football Coach)

"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
(Ron Atkinson - Football Coach)

On Tony Adams' alcoholism: "It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up."
(Ian Wright - Footballer)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got 11 Dicks on the field."
(Metro Radio)

" . . . and later we'll have action from the men's cockless pairs."
(Sue Barker - Commentating on Rowing)

"Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of."
(David Coleman - Athletics)

Grand National winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald: "Sex is an anti-climax after that."
Desmond Lynam: "Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that."

"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch."
(Ruud Gullit - Football Coach)

"Well, either side could win, or it could be a draw."
(Ron Atkinson - Football Coach)

"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip."
(John Motson - Football Commentator)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
(David Acfield)

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."
(Mark Draper - Aston Villa)

"There goes Juan Torera down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
(David Coleman at the Montreal Olympics)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them - Oh my God, what have I just said?"
(US TV commentator)

"And for those of you who watched the last programme [Fanny and Johnny Craddock], I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's."
(David Coleman at the start of Match of the Day)

"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansell. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers."
(Murray Walker)

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
(Stuart Pearce)

"The Port Elizabeth ground is more of a circle than an oval. It's long and square."
(Trevor Bailey)

"Watch the time - it gives you an indication of how fast they are running."
(Ron Pickering)

"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect."
(Ted Lowe)

"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right."
(Marion Starling)

"I can't tell who's leading. It's either Oxford or Cambridge."
(John Snagge, covering The Boat Race)

"Lara's chanced his arm, and it's come off."
(Brian Johnston)

"Fred Davis, the doyen of snooker, now 67 years of age and too old to get his leg over, prefers to use his left hand."
('Whispering' Ted Lowe)

"A brain scan revealed Andrew Caddick is not suffering from a stress fracture of the shin."
(Jo Sheldon)

"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact, I'm right behind him."
(Stuart Pearce)

"There's going to be a real ding dong when the bell goes."
(David Coleman)

"We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought."
(Bobby Robson, after playing Cameroon in the 1990 World Cup finals)

"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad I won rather than lost."
(Frank Bruno)