Stone revisited

Stone revisited.

As it turned out it was not the being let down but the evasion of responsibility, the absence of a clean apology, that struck me dumb (WTF!?); the blatant insensitivity and lack of empathy or insight that made me want to cut and run from an old friendship.  

You know that boiling frog analogy (the link is not as horrible as it first appears)?  I’d been changing, my friend had been changing - in opposite directions.  I have this theory, or maybe understanding, that in mid-life we are often challenged in ways that rock our worlds.  The choice is to scrabble to cement our identity, to fossilise into who we thought we were.  Or to begin to unravel that identity and evolve.  Twenty-five years ago this friend and I each faced similar challenges and our paths diverged.  We lost touch for the next fifteen years.  Then our paths crossed again and we resumed a tentative connection.

After my previous post I received an even more infuriating email and, having processed my reactions every which way but Sunday, I felt that trying to make him see my point of view was a kind of violence, an unwelcome intrusion into his comfortable view of himself.  

The difference that makes a difference (to me) seems to be the inclination or capacity to reflect on oneself, one’s actions and reactions.  Without that no genuine mutual resolution of a conflict is possible.  An uneasy truce, a strategic alliance maybe but no deepening of intimacy, no strengthening of the relationship, no growth.  

I had the uncomfortable awareness that, boiled frog that I am, I had been betraying my own truth for quite some time as our very infrequent meetings became increasingly dissatisfying to me.  I would speak my truth and it would not, or could not, be heard, felt, fully received.  I accommodated, I do that.  It serves no-one.  One teacher challenged me to speak my truth.  Another challenged me to do nothing, to let the relationship go.  Which is what I did.

Until I happened to read an article about the loss of empathy some people experience as they age (this friend is five years older than me).   This changed my orientation from ‘I need to be heard/seen’ to ‘this needs to be said’ regardless of outcome.  A subtle but significant shift in tone and intent.  I offered to maintain a thread of connection via Skype inquiry rather than the social chat which had become so imbalanced.  I’m not holding my breath.  But am satisfied to have said what needed to be said in a less aggressive and aggrieved form.

I am thankful to all who commented on the previous post and particularly to @Tivoli’s tales of her difficult neigbours.  It all helped me tease out the various threads of this tangle.